Change is coming

Had a meeting with our practice administrator today for my annual review. He didn't want to give me a raise. Now, mind you, I could understand this if I was a worthless employee. But I'm not. He didn't want to give me a raise because I am only part time and he thinks I am already overcompensated for being a part time employee, that I do an outstanding job when I am at work, but I'm not at work much. I work 23-25 hours per week. He also said that some of the other employees are wanting to follow my lead and go part time as well, and well...he has a business to run and he just can't let that happen.

I have been with this company for 11 years. I think that entitles me to working part time if I want to and it's never been a problem before, it's just that now others want it too. So, in order for it to be easier to say no to these other employees, starting in March, he wants me to go Full time. He also pointed out to me that when I go full time, there won't be 3 or 4 vacations per year. Oh, and also, I can't take vacation at my normal April time next year because Christy will be on maternity leave. Never mind that they just hired a medical assistant to take her place. I personally don't see how her maternity leave should affect my vacation. He said that I was giving him even more gray hair with all these vacations that I take.

So, I am not going back full time. I think I would go insane if I had to do what I do every day. I guess that means I am going to be on the lookout for another job. Change is good most of the time. It should be okay.

By the way, he did give me a raise, but made it clear that the raises would not be routine anymore, unless of course I went full time. After all, as much as he likes me personally, he has a business to run.

I am healed

Went to the Dr on Tuesday. According to the x-rays, my fractures are healed. I couldn't believe it when he told me because I still hurt so much. But, I saw the hard evidence and the bone is all grown back together. So I am having to work through the pain and use my arm more and actually, two days later, I have only had to take 6 ibuprofen today as opposed to 12 most other days. I think using it more has helped.

I couldn't believe the changes in my mood and attitude just knowing that it was safe to use my arm again. I didn't realize how down I had gotten. But yesterday, at work when I was able to do my own blood pressures, write out my own notes and prescriptions, it was like a total burden had been lifted. It was taking all of my energy at work just to write a note during and interview before but now it's so much better. Though it hurts, I don't have to worry about re-injuring the arm so I can deal with it better.

Rick has been gone all this week to Las Vegas. He comes home tomorrow. I thought I would have all this free time to myself but boy, was I wrong. I had all these plans of things I wanted to do, places I wanted to shop, movies I wanted to see. Tonight is the first night I've had to just sit and watch TV. I've spent a lot of time with the girls and with friends this week and I have really enjoyed it but it's exhausting. I will be so glad when Rick comes home so we can get back into our normal routine of plopping down in front of the TV when we get home. I've missed him. :)

just a little whining

Okay, I admit it now. I am starting to get depressed. People keep asking me this and I'm like "no no I'm fine." But it's been tough. I'm not one to whine. I'm usually totally up beat and positive about life but this pain and lack of functioning of my left (and dominant) arm is starting to get to me.

I went back to the Dr. the other day because the pain seems to be getting worse and not better. First I saw the PA and she was like, he never put you in a cast? Like she just couldn't believe it. But no, I have always been in this splint and in thus splint, I have the ability for movement and since its my dominant hand, it's hard not to move it. The Dr also said he didn't see any healing yet and that there was a 1-2mm shift in the fracture. So, I absolutely am not to use this arm at all.

Yesterday at work, I was hurting a lot, so Dr R suggested we tape my fingers so I was not tempted to move my wrist. So we did that. Which affected everything I did. I couldn't write, I tried to write with my right hand and it took me two minutes to write a one line entry. and it was illegible. No one could read anything I wrote all day. I couldn't do vitals, so I had to constantly interrupt everyone else to come and help me. I couldn't fix my plate at lunch. I can't cut up my food. I can't even button and unbutton my own pants so I can go pee. It's not so bad when Rick or Sienna are helping me do that but it's different when it's the girls at work.I just felt like I was a constant annoyance to everybody yesterday and I only worked 1/2 a day. Today was to be a full day of clinic and I just could not make myself go to work today.

I haven't been able to work out in over three weeks and I am really missing that. I feel like a slug. I just want my regular life back.

Enough whining for now. :)

Once again, so much to catch up on.

I am typing this entry with one hand while we are taking a break from Disney for the afternoon. This is what we do on our afternoons when we are here in Orlando. Rick goes and takes a nap and since I can never sleep during the day, I sit out here and waste time. But I've decided to try to be productive today. You see, it's been about a month since I've written in my blog and what a busy month it's been!

The reason I am typing with one hand is because I have been injured in a car accident. My left arm is broken in 3 places and my right arm is injured as well with burns from the airbag. Last Tuesday, after working out, I went by the Burger King to get some breakfast, ( shame on me), and as I was driving home, I was plowed into by a red Toyota Camry. He says his light was green. I'm not really sure, but I am almost positive my light was green. The accident was frightening and I am currently still in a lot of pain. But they tell me it gets better so I'm trying to be patient.
Poor Rick has had to be my nursemaid. Until yesterday, I couldn't even fasten my own britches. This is very embarrassing when one has to leave the bathroom at Disney World with her pants unzipped and unbuttoned because it hurts too bad to twist her hand that way. Rick had to take me to a quiet corner to button me up. lol. I look like a hag because I can't fix my hair. Rick, bless his heart, tried to put my hair up in a pony tail but it didn't work very well. Thank goodness for baseball caps. He cuts up my food for me, he carries my backpack, he dresses my arm. He is so good.

Disney is so fun, as always. Rick has put restrictions on what rides I can ride but that's okay. There is so much to see and do here besides riding rollercoasters. Disney is my most favorite vacation spot and I have fun just being here.

Some other big news that I have to share is that Chanel is now living in Knoxville!!!!! OMG I am so glad to have her home! I know it is meant to be that she is home because she got to keep her same job! They like her so much that they offered to let her work from home in Knoxville!!! So we got her set up in an adorable apartment in North Knoxville. She really likes it there. I have been so busy this month that I haven't had a lot of time to spend with her but I will definitely make up for it after Disney.

Last weekend I went to Dallas for Jim's wedding. I got to meet Diane for the first time and I must say that I absolutely love her! She has 3 kids who are adorable, Eric is 18, Emily is 11 and Daniel is 6. Such good kids. She has really done a good job with them. Jim is so lucky to have Diane. She is happy, down to earth and beautiful. He seems very happy and I am glad to see it. My nephew Jimmy was there. I hadn't seen him in about 7 or 8 yrs. He is such a good kid and we had a good time drinking beer and margaritas together. :) I've missed him. He joined the Air Force after high school and has been in Iraq. Now he is home and safe and living in N. Dakota but he is hoping to get shipped out to Afghanistan. I don't really understand why he wants to go but I am really proud of his bravery.

My Aunt Pam came down for Jim's wedding. I know it meant a lot to him that she came all the way from Michigan. I was so happy to get to spend some time with her. In my eyes she has always been a second mom to me and I feel blessed to have her in my life.

So that's a quick run down of things going on. I'll try to keep up with this thing a little better in the future.

I'm just bursting!

Chanel and Steve broke up a couple of weeks ago. And though I am sad for her heartache, I think it's for the best. Now she has decided to take a leap of faith and come home to Knoxville to live. I am so so happy about this! I miss her terribly and I just think she needs to be here with family and friends who love her.

She is flying in on Saturday for a visit and for an interview with the Red Cross on Monday. Working for a non-profit is really what she wants to do (much to Rick's chagrin) so I hope they really like her. Even if she doesn't get that job, I think she is just going to go ahead and move here. It will be easier for her to find a job when she is here.

I can't wait to see her on Saturday!! I haven't seen her since June which seems like it was a lifetime ago. She makes me happy and I have already made all kinds of plans for the things we can do together when she moves here.

Of course, when I talked to her about flying here for the interview, she hasn't any extra money. Things are kind of tough for her right now. So I told her I would talk to Rick about getting a plane ticket. I did talk to Rick about it and he was very hesitant. The Red Cross doesn't pay very much and he thinks it's silly to pay for her to fly here for a job prospect that doesn't pay very much. He was resistent. He knew that I really wanted to see her though. But he just couldn't get is head wrapped around the concept of flying her here for that interview. So he said, " I just can't bring myself to pay for a plane ticket for a job making only __per year, I'm sorry....However, I think it would be great to buy her a ticket just to come and visit." So she is coming for a "visit" and it just so happens that she has an interview during her visit. lol. That's how Rick rationalized it in his head. And may I just say, I have the most awesome husband in the world.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I just have to say, I have the best husband, friends and family that anyone could ever have. Birthdays are kind of a big deal for me. When I was growing up, my dad always made sure we had wonderful birthdays and they are still very important to me. It's kind of nostalgic.

Treat 1: On Friday, Rick spoiled me as always. He just keeps giving and giving and giving. He gave me a Kindle, more training sessions with my trainer and a shopping spree. And that's not all, I've also had like 3 birthday dinners! You see, with me, it's not just a birthday, it's a birthday weekend.

Treat 2: Saturday, I used Rick's birthday money to go shopping with Sienna. I got the most beautiful Jessica Simpson purse. It is Patent leather leopard print! I think it's beautiful! Its so me! Saturday night, we went out with two of our best friends, Don and Leeann. We always have so much fun with them! They make me laugh and I love that. The gifts from them were wonderful, including a gift card only to be used when I go to visit Chanel. Leeann knows how much I miss Chanel and I hope I get to use that gift card soon. We went to Side Splitters again after dinner. Leeann and I are both trying to limit our calorie intake so I was wondering how funny it would be this time with us not drinking alcohol. (I did have 1/2 a beer) Our headliner, Julie Scoggins, was so very funny! we were rolling with laughter! So, even without alcohol it was great!

Treat 3: On Sunday, my treat was having breakfast twice! I LOVE breakfast! I wish I could eat it with every meal sometimes. We had IHOP for breakfast and Cracker Barrel for dinner.

The best treats of all: Today, my actual birthday, I went first thing to swim at the pool. Then at 10 I went to Ross the Boss Spa and had the most wonderful hour long massage. Amy is the lady who always does my massages and her hands are magic. So, relaxing. After the massage, I took a long hot shower in a shower that had 5 shower heads! Felt so good!
I also had a nice visit with Kimi while I had a pedicure. So, everything is good and I'm am all chilled and relaxed and I go to pay and Courtney says "you're all taken care of, Shara called and paid for it." omg, I was like, really? She paid for me? really? I couldn't believe it. Such a wonderful birthday surprise!

Then..best of all....There is this dress at Torrid that I absolutely love. It came out at the beginning of summer and I thought it was too expensive. I kept going back to look at it...still not on sale. I even put it on my Amazon wish list. I talk about that dress all the time. LOVE that dress. I just looked at it last week. Still not on sale and there were only two left in the store. And lo and behold, Sienna walked into my house today with that DRESS!!! And guess what? It was on sale when she got it today! It went on sale on my birthday! I was meant to have that dress!!! lol. I meant to take a pic today but forgot. I plan on wearing it all the time. LOVE THAT DRESS!

Up to this point, I haven't had birthday cake. I'm really trying to watch what I eat, but I really wanted birthday cake. and I wanted Carrot Cake. So Gondolier has the best carrot cake ever so that's where we went to eat dinner. But when we got there, there was no carrot cake in the case. I was very disappointed. But when I asked, the server said, "you're in luck. We just put the carrot cake out." Yay for us!!

So this has been a wonderful birthday weekend. I am so grateful for everyone who loves me and who cares about me enough to help me to have a happy birthday. Thanks everyone!

It was time to get moving

So, I've been working out for the last month. Every day but one. I finally got to work out with my trainer this morning and she about killed me but now I feel so good! She had wanted me to work out in the pool and I was very nervous about it because I am just an average swimmer and she said she wanted me to swim 1,000 yards and then do some water aerobics stuff. I'm like, 1,000 yards? You have got to be kidding me. She says that is the fastest and easiest way to get the weight off. I am all about getting these last 30 pounds off so I'm up for anything. But with the thunder and lightning this morning the pool was closed so I thought I might get a reprieve but, not so much. She pushed me harder than I ever thought I could go and I am so proud of myself for not quitting.
I still want to do the 1/2 marathon at Disney. Rick wants me to just give it up. He's afraid it will be too hard on my knees to train for it. But I really want to do it. My trainer, Stephanie, thinks I can get ready in time. I'm going to do the Princess one at Disney in March. The reason I had stopped running is because my knees did hurt but mostly because Rick said my breasts bounced too much. And while he enjoyed watching, I didn't want everyone else to. :) So, I have invested in Super Duper sports bras. They were very expensive but boy, what a difference!. So, since I have those, I am geared up to train again. It's very exciting. If I can just get this weight off, it will be so much easier.
I feel so much better working out every day. My energy is great. I am sleeping well and I don't require as much sleep as I did. My cognition is improved so work is better and my mood is happy. I read that book awhile back, "Younger Next Year for Women."".And that has really motivated me to get moving. I want to live a long time. My 43rd birthday is in 10 days and I want to be around to celebrate 43 more and I think exercise is the key.
So I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing.

25 years

My 25th High school reunion was this weekend. I didn't go and I have no regrets about that. (It looks like they had a great time though.)
See. the thing is..I essentially missed my entire senior year of high school. I only went for one class the first half of the year, then I graduated early, in January. So, I really missed out on a lot. All the Senior year activities and ball games and parties. My classmates made memories that will last them a lifetime and I wasn't a part of all that. At the time, I couldn't wait to get out of school. I wanted work and college and adult things. I thought my classmates were immature and petty. I had a few close friends of course, but I wanted distance from them all. I wanted to grow up.

And boy, did I. I got totally caught up in Danny and his friends. ( he went to a different school and graduated a year ahead of me). And then, I was pregnant and a mom and I really had to be an adult then. I completely lost touch of all of those high school kids that I wanted so badly to get away from.

So, now, as I look at everybody's photos from the reunion, I'm like, I hardly even remember all of these people. I have very few memories of high school. I did go to my 20th and of course people remembered me, and I had a good time, but I felt out of place. Like I was on the outside looking in. It's like that period of my life has been erased from my brain. Weird that I have no sense of attachment to any of my classmates, except for a handful of people. It's kind of sad, actually.

My closest friends from HS and I have been in touch and I hope that we can continue to see each other from time to time. But as far as reunions go, I just feel like I don't belong there.

I had a wonderful time in Kansas city.

So, Friday, Chanel had to work. I had planned on using her car when I arrived Thursday night so that I could do some sight seeing while she was at work. But that didn't work out. I thought I might take a cab into town, but it turns out that the hotel was about 20 mins from downtown and that probably would have cost me a fortune, so I just hung out at the hotel. Sat by the pool for awhile. Watched people work out, lol. I should have been working out myself but I was so tired. So, I took a 3 hour nap.

I was so happy to see Chanel at the end of the day! She always has a bright, happy face and I just love to see her. We were headed to the Melting Pot for dinner. It is Chanel's favorite place and she just can't afford it right now, so I was happy to treat her. Chanel's roommate, Lisa joined us. Love her. Chanel had told me that she thought Lisa was the nicest girl she's ever known. I thought, How sweet. Well the funny thing is, Lisa told me the same thing about Chanel. They are a match made in heaven.


Saturday, we slept in late, had a big breakfast and we were off to downtown. I'm so glad I brought my GPS because Chanel had no clue where to go. The GPS took us right to where we needed to be. We went to a few museums. Took lots of pictures. We saw a Lego exhibit which was so awesome. We ate lunch at the Crown Center in a little restaurant called Fritz's. There is a rail that goes all along the top of the room and a little choo choo train delivers your food right to your table. So fun!



There is a place called The Plaza in the middle of downtown. It was so beautiful there. At least 50 fountains and all kinds of sculptures. It's got all kinds of stores, American Eagle, Eddie Bauer, Tiffany's. And many stores that I've never heard of. The plaza expands 12 blocks. The architecture is beautiful. Spanish, I think. So we are walking along taking photos, and there is this guy sitting on a bench with a jar of change in his hand. And he is chanting, "would you like to make a donation for a downpayment on a cheeseburger?" over and over. And he was bringing in the money! Now that's being innovative. I wish I had taken a picture. It seemed to be making people want to donate, moreso than to those who just stand on the corner with their cardboard signs.T here were people playing music on the sidewalks and that was fun to stop and listen to. There were people everywhere but it didn't seem too crowded. What a great experience!



Kansas City is a lovely city. I can understand why Chanel wants to live there. So much cultural stuff to do. Jazz, art, BBQ. I loved it there. And the people are so friendly.

I feel better now about Chanel being there. I'm so glad I went. She seems happy with her job. She lives in a beautiful house with good roommates. I think she's a bit lonely though. She needs a good friend. She needs Steve there but I'm not sure that is happening anytime soon. I hope that he can get the transfer before long.

I miss her already and am planning my trip back. I'm hoping I can do it a little less expensively next time though.

It will all be worth it

Yesterday I had a bad day at work. Then I was supposed to catch a flight to Kansas City so I could visit Chanel this weekend. My flight was delayed by 2 1/2 hours. Then, of course, I missed my connection in Chicago. Now, mind you, I always have Rick around to settle me down when things like this happen. But I was all by myself and I had had way too much coffee because I knew I would be up late. So, I was a nervous wreck. When I figured out that I would have to stay overnight in Chicago I cried. Not because I would have to stay. but because I would have to stay without my make up and my hair straightener. LOL. I was crying with Chanel on the phone and I kept saying, "but I'm going to look like a hag!" Nah, I'm not vain at all.
Chicago airport is huge and I was fearful of that but once I realized I missed my flight, I was able to sort of wander around and try to figure out what I should do.

We love to stay at Country Inns and Suites and Rick had texted me their # so I called them and got a room and they sent a shuttle. The shuttle driver kind of looked scary. I was still pretty anxious. So we are driving and driving through a rough part of town and I just knew he was going to take me out into some dark alley and murder me. This is what too much coffee and too little sleep does to me. I was paranoid. So much so that I even started a text to Rick to tell him I was in Chicago and if he didn't hear from me, I was probably a goner. But then, just as I was going to send it, I saw the hotel which turned out to be 25 mins from the airport. So then I get all checked in and its about 11:30 Chicago time. And I had to get up at 4. And of course I couldn't go to sleep. I think I may have slept 2 hours last night.

But today has been good. The flight was fine and I made it to the hotel without problem. I feel much more relaxed today. Chanel is working until 5 so I think I'll just lay by the pool and relax a bit before she gets here. I am so excited to see her! We are going to The Melting Pot tonight and then tomorrow we will have the whole day to spend together. I think we are going to an amusement park. I had talked to Leeann yesterday when I was so stressed at the airport and she just said, it will all be worth it when you get to see Chanel and she is so right.

I'll post pics when I have them.
Have a great weekend!

Younger Next Year

I have lost focus on my weight loss journey. Seems like after vacation I have just had such a hard time. And so I have started reading my good health bible again. The book is called "Younger Next Year..for women."

There are 7 basic rules to aging well and continuing to be healthy as we get older.
1. Exercise hard 6 days a week for the rest of your life.
2. Do serious aerobic exercise four days a week for the rest of your life.
3. Do serious weight training two days a week for the rest of your life.
4. Spend less than you make,
5. Quit eating crap. Basically, don't eat what you know you are not supposed to eat.
6. Care about others. If you're married, stay married. If not, get a partner.
7. Connect and Commit.-friends, volunteering, just being social.

If I can just focus on these basic rules, focus on being healthy and not so much on the weight, I will be a much happier girl. I want to feel like 50 at 80. I want to live a very long, healthy life and I think the concepts in this book are the answer.

On our way back to Disney!

a bouquet of sunshine

I had a horrible week at work last week and I am so glad it's over. Tuesday is when Sienna and I usually have lunch together but this past Tuesday she couldn't come. Just as well, because I didn't get to take a lunch anyway. I had talked to Sienna on the phone and told her I was stressed and an hour later, she walks in to the office with these.

It really made my day. Sometimes a little sunshine is all a girl needs to brighten a dark day.

1/2 marathon

I love Disney world. I will be going twice this year. We are leaving in 10 days! I found out yesterday that Disney is having a 1/2 marathon in January of 2010. I am going to register for it, I think. I haven't actually decided yet for sure because I want Chanel to do it with me and it costs $120 to register. I'm not sure she will have the money in time to register. But I want to do it. There are some friends from high school who want to do it with me, so I may just go ahead and run it and do another one with Chanel later on. I found this site on the web, Couch to 1/2 Marathon. Well, actually, its Couch to 5K, 10K and then 1/2 marathon. so it's a 32 week training program. Which would put me in November and then I would still have two more months to train.

I really think I can do this. A year ago, I would say you were crazy if you wanted me to run a 1/2 marathon. But I have been working out almost every single day for a few months now and anything seems possible. Yes, I'm serious about this.

Playing Canasta

I'm really missing Chanel these days. Just leave it at that. There's no more that needs to be said about it. I just am.

Sienna...though I am really missing Chanel, I am really enjoying Sienna. She's really stepped up since Chanel has been gone and I so appreciate it. We go to weight watchers together every Wednesday and she comes to have lunch with me on Tuesdays and then usually Sundays after church we hang out. Tonight, she taught me how to play canasta. Canasta is a pretty complicated game. I was so proud of how patient she was. She will make a great teacher. I can be a slow learner when it comes to games, but she was patient and it didn't seem like I got on her nerves at all. And that just makes me smile because a few years ago, everything I did got on her nerves. I love the young lady she is becoming.

Today was a good day.

I have been on this weight loss journey for a lot of years. I can honestly say that in all of my days of struggling, I never thought I would ever be able to say what I am going to say to you in just a bit. Obesity can sneak up on you. Before you know it, you are waddling around wondering why it is that your knees and hips hurt all the time. You wonder why it is that sitting down in a booth at a restaurant has become so difficult. You worry that you will fall and that someone will see you struggling to stand back up. You wonder when exactly was that when tying your shoes started to take your breath away. But it just happens and it sort of makes me cry to think about it now. But then one day you get on the scale at weight watchers and the lady says 292#. So, that motivates you for a little while, but it is short lasting and thus goes the ongoing struggle.

293 was my top weight. But now,things are so much different. I work out usually twice a day. I have plenty of room in the booths at the restaurant. I feel better than I have felt in as far back as I can remember and today I went to the weight watchers lady and she said I weigh 192! Still not a great number but the reality of it is, I have kept plugging along on this journey. I never in my life thought I would be able to say "I've lost 100 pounds". And, sure it's taken me a long time and I have probably gained more than 100 pounds over the years but I'm coming along. I am proud of myself. Just thought I would share.

When did this happen?

I was talking to Chanel this morning and of course, we were talking about weight loss and working out and I told her that I was going to try to get Rick to go for a walk and asked her if she was going to come. To which she said no. So I was like, c'mon we need to work out and she said, "When did this happen?!" She was meaning of course, when did I become the one who was always wanting to work out and she become the one who was always avoiding it. Used to be, it was vice versa. Same way with Rick. He used to always be the one pushing me. So, I'm not sure when this happened but I must say, I love the way things are now. I work out at least 6 days a week for 45 mins to an hour. I feel fantastic. I feel so good that I just want to do it more and more. It was so hard to get myself motivated before. Now, it just seems easy. (Chanel doesn't want to do it because she is on this silly raw food diet again and she has no energy. I hope she stops this soon and gets back to weight watchers.)

It has been great having her here with me this week. I love having her around. I love the fact that she doesn't have to be entertained. She is content to just sit and chat for hours. It's refreshing. She will be leaving for Kansas City on Monday. Steve is coming to help her drive there. He has a cousin there who has agreed to let Chanel stay there for awhile. She is going to try to focus her efforts on the KC job market. Southwest has a hub there so hopefully Steve can get a transfer. She has an interview there on Tuesday. I am really hoping something comes up for her soon. The job market is really tough right now, but I think she is an extraordinary girl who will outshine all of the other candidates for the job. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Have a great Saturday!

scrapbooking retreat

I just got done working out. Chanel and I made a pinky promise that we would work out 60 mins a day, 5 days a week. I don't know if she is sticking to it, but I am. I am trying to work out 6 days a week though. I am reading a new book, "Younger Next Year." They recommend 6 days a week in it. We went away on a retreat this past weekend and we even worked out one day at the retreat! Here's a pic of me and Shara doing Walk Away the Pounds.

I spent the weekend with Leeann and Shara on a scrapbooking retreat. There were 17 of us altogether. It was wonderful. We got to sleep in bunk beds and we got to sleep as late as we wanted. We lounged around in our pajamas and sweats. Leeann and I even made a Chik fil a run in our PJs.We didn't have to cook, clean, do laundry ,anything. Just scrapped, and shopped and scrapped some more. It was a lot of fun being with other women with the same love for scrapbooking that we have. Mostly it was just very special bonding with Leeann and Shara. I hope we can do it again.

I have been after Rick for quite some time about his eating and lack of exercise. I'm generally not a nag but gosh, I want to keep him around for a long time so I nag him to get healthy. I know he gets tired of listening to me so this year for Valentine's day I told him that my gift to him was to take him to Litton's so he could have a nice fat juicy cheeseburger and red velvet cake. I also promised him that I wouldn't say anything about the calories and fat he would be consuming today. We hadn't been to Littons in probably 10 years. They used to have the biggest, best hamburgers around. Their red velvet cake was to die for.

I have really been trying to watch what I eat and the thought of going to Litton's was totally stressing me out. I obsessed about it all week. They never used to have any healthy food. And their red velvet cake is so good, how could I resist? But, it was my gift to Rick and I wasn't going to cancel out on him.

So, we went. They did have a grilled chicken salad which was mediocre at best. Rick did have his cheeseburger which was a lot smaller than it used to be and that too was mediocre. We decided to forgo the red velvet cake. So, all in all, it wasn't bad at all. I was so stressed about it and it was nothing. I'm pretty proud of myself because I really wanted a cheeseburger but when Rick said it wasn't that good, I felt better.

Tonight we are going out with friends. We will have too much wine, I'm sure. I'm a little stressed about that. But it's a rare occasion that the four of us can go out together so I am hoping to just forget about the calories and enjoy us all being together.

My wish for myself is that someday, I will be able to live my life without constantly obsessing over how many calories are in every morsel I put in my mouth.

I'm her person

My friend Leeann's horse passed away this morning. It was a tragic thing that never should have happened and I am sorry for their loss. You see, her pain is my pain just like her joy is my joy. Its tough seeing her so sad. I am her person and she is mine.

I was talking to my friend Christy today. She is getting married in April and they want to start trying for children right away. She fears that there will be difficulty getting pregnant and then when she does, maintaining the pregnancy. So, they've decided that when she does get pregnant, she and her Rick will each have one person to tell and then hold off on telling anyone else until after the first trimester. And she told me that I am her person! I was like, really? Me? I'm your person? seriously? There comes a point in every friendship, I think, where you think about how close your friendship is. I mean, I feel very close to Christy, and I know that she feels close to me, but her person? Wow. I am honored.

I hope you all have your person. I couldn't live without mine. It's rare that you have a friendship where they know all there is to know about you, good and bad, and they still will call you their person. I treasure those friendships.

Have a happy night.

These are the days that try men's (or women's) souls.

Sienna told me today that she has been laid off from her job effective immediately. A year ago, I would have said, It's okay, you'll just find another. Today, I can't offer that bit of encouragement. The unemployment rate just keeps climbing. Now, both of my girls are unemployed and I am like, what the heck?! How are people supposed to make a living? I'm worried. Chanel is in California and though I am not sure whether she is planning on living out there or not, California has double digit unemployment rates. Like the highest in the country along with Rhode Island and Michigan. I don't think California is the place for her to be, but where is?

You know what the crazy thing is? We are busier than ever at my job. People may not have enough money for the light bill, but they are making sure they have enough for their psychiatrist. People are so stressed out these days, they need to see their psychiatrist now more than ever. Sad times.

So, I don't know what Chanel and Sienna are going to do. I don't know how to fix it for them. Just keep praying, I guess.

This is what Saturdays should be made of.

Sleep in til 9:30
Breakfast at McDonald's
Catch up on phone calls.
Plan for our trip.
Lunch at the Soup Kitchen.
Catch up on emails.
Scrap.
Scrap.
Nap.
Scrap.
Scrap.
Dinner.
Scrap.
Scrap.
Shower.
Scrap.
Veg in front of the TV.

Love Saturdays.

Okay, so now that I've "rethunk" things... :)

I have been in the same career for 17 years. I feel stuck. Problem is, psych nursing is very specialized and I can't just switch to another form of nursing without a lot of discomfort. I don't have any "medical nursing" skills. I would have no idea what to do on say, a med surg unit of a hospital. I've really shot myself in the foot. I loved psych nursing and could never imagine doing anything but psych nursing but here we are..17 years later.

But, I am fortunate to have a job in this economy. I know that. We are trying to save money so we can retire in 6 years. I am like the queen bee at my office. I am allowed to take as many vacations per year as I would like. .I truly love every person I work with. I only work 3.25 days per week. I make a damn good salary. So what, you may ask, am I complaining about? I have no idea. Those of you who know me well, know that I just go through this from time to time. I'm not trying to be lazy. I do work hard. I just get emotionally drained from my job and it seems to be more draining as the years go by. So I have decided that just for now, I will just take it day by day. There are only 76 more days until my next vacation. It helps to have time off to look forward to.

ponderings

I have been sick this week but I seem to be coming out of it. I've had a lot of time on my hands to think about things. When you don't have any strength or energy, the easiest thing to do it just veg out and think about your life. So that's what I have been doing. Here are some things that have been on my mind.
1. I really like being home. I don't want to work anymore. I am going to try to figure out some way that I can make that happen. I've just been disenheartened by my job lately and I'm really kind of over it. Or, if it can't work that I can stop working, then I need to start working at something else. I would even be willing to give up my biannual trips to Disney World.
2. Aside from Rick, I only have one friend in this world who will tell me to suck it up or get it together. It's funny how people are. People are so afraid that you will get mad at them that they will most of the time just tell you what you want to hear. And most of the time, that is fine. But sometimes, its just perfect to have a friend who will bitch-slap you and tell you to quit whining and deal with it. I am lucky to have that kind of a friend.
3. My dad, gruff and ornery as he is, loves me intensely. He has called me every day this week to basically tell me to get my ass to the Dr. But I know that he was really struggling with worry and it makes me smile to think about him. He really is a softie underneath. I've been thinking a lot about when I was growing up with him as my dad.
4. I really can't let my mommy guilt continue to rule my life. It is my fault Danny and I divorced. I beat myself up about it all the time. I keep trying to make the guilt go away in my mind but it is always there. It tears me up sometimes. I know my kids have struggled because of my choices. But, damn, that was 13 years ago. Let it go, already.
5. I really want to laugh more. And the way to do that is to surround myself with people who laugh. I wish I had more time to spend with my friends. Again, if I didn't have to work.....
6. I nag Rick too much. Mostly about his health. I wish he would take better care of himself. But nagging just makes him put up a wall and so there is no benefit. So, I can just lead by example. I will get healthy and I will get this weight off and hopefully then, he will want to do the same.

So there have been lots of things going through my mind these last few days. Alot of them thanks to Dr. Phil. lol. I have watched so much TV this week. You just can't imagine how much. I'd watch a little, sleep a little, watch a little....
Those are just a few of my ponderings this week. There are so many more of course, but I'm sure you are bored enough already. :)

my turn

I guess it's my turn to be sick. I am always the girl who goes around bragging because I never get sick, yet, here I am, sick. The only thing that has gotten me out of bed today is hunger. And, since I have little food at my house, I have gone out to eat lunch and now I. am. exhausted. It's one of those days where you are so tired you can't sleep. yuck. Sienna has been sick for a week as well, I knew I shouldn't have kissed her cheek the other day!

So while I am sitting here vegetating, and coughing and sniffling, I decided to listen to the inauguration speech. This was the first time I have had a chance to listen to it. I must say, I shed a tear or two. I am so relieved that this country may just catch a break now after 8 long years. I just hope congress goes along with the plan. I am excited that we have turned the page and that things will start looking up for us.

Chanel had been here for a couple of days. I am always so happy to spend time with her. She had a job interview here in town and she feels like it went well. How cool would that be to have her here in town with us? She said the other day, "Mom, wouldn't it be cool if I could live here in Knoxville and see you everyday?" To which I said, Weeellll, maybe every other day. Love her so much but just her presence can be overwhelming sometimes. There's been a problem with her plan to move to California which I can't really go into, but she has decided to stay in Tennessee. I hope it will turn out to be the right decision. I think it will.
We are doing weight watchers together. She and I and Sienna. It's so fun having other people to do it with. Chanel gets pretty obsessive about the diets she goes on and Weight Watchers is no exception. But I love it. She definitely keeps me on track and is always wanting to talk about it which keeps me motivated. Sienna is not so enthusiastic but we are working on her. :)

Have a great day. Stay healthy.

some evident progress

I was looking back at old blogs today to kind of see my old new year's resolutions and I ran across these pictures. One is at the end of 2006 and one is at the end of 2008. I have had a hard time really telling the difference in my weight but looking at these pictures side by side makes me see that I have been making some small progress. Hopefully at the end of 2009 the changes will be even more significant.

Letting go

I think I am getting psychotic. This whole thing with Chanel has been getting to me. I'm pretty stressed about it and so I find myself making snide comments on Facebook and on blogs and people are saying things like, "you're losing it". What the heck am I doing? Yes, I want to keep her close. I feel like I can take care of her if she is near me and I don't know Steve from Adam and I am just supposed to trust that he is going to take care of her 2000+ miles away. It's kind of a hard thing for a mom to swallow. I am very close to my girls and when you mess with what we have, well, I come out fighting. okay, so that's psychotic? Seems pretty normal to me, though others don't think so. I'm just a little resentful, can you tell?

So I can either start myself on Haldol or chill out. She obviously is in love with him and he is with her. She wants to be with him, though I see her struggling with the idea of leaving here. Ideally, he would come here, but it's doubtful that will happen. He has his life there. So, I just have to trust that they are doing the right thing. That God will take care of her. It's been tough these last few days, seeing her struggling, trying to make her way. I just have to let go. And that is very tough for me. It will not do her any good seeing me turn into an idiot, so I am just going to chill about it. I am just going to be happy that she is making her own way and having her own adventures with her life partner. And then, I will step up my visits to my therapist. lol.

Betrayed!

Can I just say how devastating it is knowing that my 3 best friends and their husbands are not supportive of my favorite team's bid for the National Championship. ugh. It just gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. I mean how could you not support the Gators when you know I am so passionate about them. I feel so betrayed by all of you. You should be ashamed. All of you. You know who you are.

We are going to kick Oklahoma's ass! So there, Seriously. :) (Smiley face in case you did take me seriously. )

Well, vacation's over

Today will be the beginning of getting back into the regularity of life. Over the last month and a half, we have been celebrating the holidays, taking vacations and not working much. Today all that ends. It will be April before I have any more time off and the thought of that is a bit depressing. Its cold and rainy here and can I just say, I hate the winter time.

Chanel is still in California. I'm not happy with the idea of her living out there. I guess she just has to do what she has to do. I try not to say too much about it. I just want her to be happy and if this is what makes her happy, so be it.
Sienna starts school next week. I am so glad she is going back to school. She just had to take some time off to get her head together and she has decided that school would be the best thing for her. She called me today to tell me that they have laid everyone in her department off except for 2 people. She is one of the two. She's pretty worried about her job. I keep telling her though, that it's just something she has no control over. No sense in worrying herself sick over it. She just needs to have good job performance as that is the only thing she has control over.

I just got the results from my mammogram today and it showed some abnormalities compared to my last one. It's probably nothing but it's worrisome just the same. I have been putting off calling them all day.

I really need to get my eating under control. I've gained about 6 pounds since Thanksgiving and it weighs on me everyday. It's always in the back of my mind, yet, i keep eating. So, now that vacations are over and I can be in some sort of routine, I am going to get on it and do better. I plan to work out 6 days a week and also to do Weight Watchers. I am going to get this weight off. My first goal is just 20 pounds, 20 pounds isn't that much. I can do it. Starting now. Rick is going to do it with me.
This is the two of us now. I will post another pic a month from now.

Have a great day.

most embarrassing moment

I've been here in Florida for the last 3 days. The weather has been wonderful. The coolest day we've had was 68 degrees. Nice.
Sienna and I are here visiting my mom and dad. We've had a good time so far. There have been a couple of touch and go situations but we've all come out of it okay.

I do have a funny story to tell you. Friday, Sienna wanted to go visit her other grandparents for a while. Her dad, my ex and his wife were down here visiting so she wanted to go over there while Danny was here. So she did. That was the first night we were here. I stayed at my mom's and then came back here to the hotel around 9. It was very nice being here in the room by myself to sort of decompress after our visit. Sienna called about 9:30 and said they were on their way back. Her grandparents live about 30 minutes from here. So, its been a long day and I wanted to relax in a hot shower before Sienna got here. That's what I did. Felt so good.

After the shower, I just put on my PJs, it was just going to be us girls, and put my hair up in a towel and sat here playing on the computer. She called when she got here and I told her which room # and since we are just around the corner from the front desk, I stuck my head out the door so she would find me. So here she comes around the corner and I said, Yay you're back and then her dad walks around the corner. That was bad enough but, I figured, heck, he's seen me naked before so no big deal, but then, around the corner is my ex-father-in-law. Picture this, me, my hair in a towel, no make-up, tight pajamas, no bra. I am very big breasted, and it was obvious that I had no bra on. I did not bring a robe, it was just us girls. Now, that's not bad enough. Danny's step dad is VERY conservative and Very religious. And then I had to hug him. ugh. So I'm very self conscious about this whole situation and here we all are out in the hotel hallway, (they wouldn't come into the room) and all I can think about is my boobs. So, I begin trying to cover myself with my arms, Sienna now tells me that made it look even more obvious. And, Danny, being that he knows me so well, knows how uncomfortable I am so he starts grinning from ear to ear. That just made it worse.

So, I am telling my mom and dad about it the next morning and explaining that I had to give him a hug and my dad is like "So? You think he's never hugged a woman with no bra on before?" eeecchhh.

Today, Sienna and I and mom went to the beach. The water was ice cold and it was a little windy but we got some great pictures. We are headed home tomorrow.