weight watchers

I'm quitting Weight Watchers for about the fifteenth time tomorrow. It's a waste of money since I don't really follow the plan. I know what to do. Why I don't just do it I have no idea. I have lost 18# since October which is nothing to sniff at but I went to the gyn last week and I am only 5 pounds less than I was exactly 1 year ago. Go figure. Hundreds of dollars later, constant dieting and only a net loss of 5 pounds. I should have listened to Leeann.

“Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push. A smile. A word of optimism and hope. And you can do it when things are tough.”--Richard M Devos

It's amazing what 60 extra milligrams of Geodon can do for a person in just a matter of days. I have been thinking a lot about my blessed life today. I am more blessed than I deserve to be and happier ( except for brief episodes of craziness) than I have ever been.

total awesomeness.

Retirement...or not

Rick and I had been planning for years that we would retire in 2015. Then a few years ago, he said that he would retire in 2015 but that he still wanted me to work 1-2 days per week. Ok... Then a couple of years ago, he said he would retire in 2015 and I still had to work 2-3 days a week for 5 years. Ok...Then yesterday, he told me that no, he wasn't going to retire in 2015. He was going to wait to retire for another 10 years. Which means I will have to continue to work, doing what I am doing, for another 10 years. The thought of this makes me very sad. I don't think I can do what I am doing for 10 more years. I just can't. So now I am busy thinking about other plans.

I understand where Rick is coming from, I do. And I will be supportive of whatever he thinks we should do. I don't have to like it though. I need to figure something else out.

Now what?

That's a an exasperated sigh. I'm exasperated with myself. That's a sigh of relief. I'm relieved I did so well at Disney. That's an 'I'm tired' sigh. That's an 'I don't want to do anything' sigh. That's an 'oh my gosh' sigh.

So I have been home from Disney one week today. I have only worked out one day since then. I just can't seem to get myself to the gym. I feel like I have lost my fitness mojo. I don't get it. I was so gung-ho before and now I can't even get out of bed in the morning. It's a bad cycle I've gotten into. I don't feel like getting out of bed to go to the gym because I am too tired. But I am too tired because I'm not getting any exercise. And round and round it goes.

I must make a new goal. I. Must. Get. Out. of. Bed. in the mornings.

3:21...Disney Princess Half Marathon

I think 3:21 is awesome. I was so afraid we wouldn't make the 3:30 requirements. But we did and there were no sweepers in sight! We could have done better but about mile 8 my aunt Pam started complaining that her foot was hurting. She said she felt like she was running on a nut. It didn't get better so about mile 9 we decided to just walk. It seemed okay though because at that point most everybody was walking. It was actually so crowded that it was hard to run at that point with everyone walking.

I just have to say that this was one of the most incredible experiences I have ever had. The whole weekend we were surrounded by happy, positive women. It was totally uplifting. Most women were dressed up in tutus or costumes. Disney just knows how to do it right.

We were in the last corral. Corral F. I was so worried we were going to get swept that I made sure we were right at the front of the corral. We had to be at Epcot by 4 and in our corrals by 5 so I was very sleepy. While we were waiting in our corrals, I sat down to wait because I was so sleepy and the next thing I know they are playing the national anthem. I woke up and looked up and everyone but me was standing. How embarrassing. Then the corrals were released in waves. The fairy godmother would say a few words then she would wave her wand and sprinkle fairy dust and the fireworks would go off and everyone in that corral would start. We saw that 6 times and I was just crying because it was so magical.

When it was our turn, Aunt Pam shot out of the corral like a greyhound. I kept up with her for about 10 minutes and then I was like, wait a minute, this isn't how i trained. So I slowed down and started doing my intervals. She slowed down with me and we got into a good pace. It was so awesome. There were characters all along the way and musicians too. Pam was so anxious about making good time that she didn't want to stop and take pictures. That is one thing I regret. Next time I am definitely stopping at least to see Cinderella and Mickey and Minnie.

We did stop in the Magic Kingdom to snap a photo. Everyone knows how I feel about Disney. It's my most favorite place on earth. When we ran down Main Street, I had tears coming down my face. The music was playing, the crowds were cheering, Minnie and Mickey were there. We ran through Tomorrowland and back behind and through the castle and then out through Liberty Square and Frontierland and out of the park. I cried the whole way except that I was sure to smile for the cameras. :) Aunt Pam doesn't really get my proclivity for Disney so she was like ummmm. I think she was having quite a bit of pain even then and wasn't really enjoying it.

So we kept running. We got to this onramp in which we had to go up a big hill and it sort of curved around to become a bridge over the road we had just been on. This was at about mile 9. This is when I really began to feel good about where we stood in the race. We could look down on the road below us and there were still thousands of people below us. And we were still in a crowd. So, I knew we would be fine. We just took it easy from there. I was feeling pretty good at this time.

By the time we made it to Epcot again, my feet and legs were really hurting and everyone kept saying, you're almost there, just a little ways further. And it just seemed that it took forever. But then we saw the finish line and I cried like a baby again. Wow, we had done it. We could barely run across it but we did, We had done it. Then I got on the phone and texted everybody I know.

I must give a shout out to my good friends who were texting me all along the way giving me encouragement. That was a big help and kept me motivated.

So, we finished. Then we crammed all the food and sports drinks down out throats that we could. I was absolutely starving. We went back to the room and showered and napped, I didn't really want to nap. I wanted to go to the parks but we had been up since 2:30 and we were in a lot of pain.

Then next day we spent at Magic Kingdom and had such a good time. We saw all the princesses walking around with their medals. Everyone was congratulating us and giving us pats on the backs. Totally awesome.

I loved loved loved this experience. I hope to be able to do it again and again and again. I so admire my Aunt Pam for doing this with me. That woman is 55 years old and just ran her first half marathon. That is really impressive and inspiring. And she is going to do another one in Hawaii in April! Very cool.

This is going to be like a fairytale to me. Chanel left a sweet card for me today and she gave me a sort of pep talk and was thanking me for being an inspiration to her. It made me smile. I want to be that mom. I want the girls to look up to me and strive to be like me. Nothing could make me happier. I want them to want to be Princesses right beside me.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning at 5:30!

I have had butterflies in my tummy all day. I am so excited/nervous, though a little less stressed than yesterday.

My mom won't be coming down for the weekend. It kind of upsets me but it's just typical of her. She said she really can't afford it ( I had already told her I would pay her way)... that they wouldn't have any fun just standing around waiting for us to finish. (Heaven forbid she do anything for/with me that isn't any fun). So, my feelings are a little hurt because it would be nice to have someone there at the finish line for us but at least this way it saves me probably hundreds of dollars and I don't have to stress over whether she's having a good time or not. I just have to say it. My Aunt Pam never lets me down and she will be right there beside me. Love that woman.

On a good note...One exciting thing I am looking forward to for the next 3 days...carb loading! have to build up those energy reserves. Olive Garden, here I come. Woohoo! I'm not going to go crazy but I am putting weight watchers on hold for the next 5 days. how exciting! To go 5 days without obsessing about what I'm eating is a vacation in itself!

LOL this is how I feel some days! It really had been kind of stressing me out. But at the end of the day, I don't have to be fast. I just have to be less slow than the 16min/mile pace. I think I can do that.

One week from today I will be at EPCOT. I'm so excited!
A few struggles in the last few days though.
Both of my lower legs are hurting. I have no idea why. I haven't done anything different. I took my rest days this week because I didn't want to risk injury. I don't usually take rest days, except on Mondays after my long run. So, I'm supposed to do my last long run tomorrow and I don't know if I will be able to or if I should, My worst fear right now is that I will get injured and not be able to do the race. (though sometimes I secretly wish I wasn't doing the race) :) But if I don't do the long run, how will I know if I am ready? I don't know what to do. I have asked for advice from experienced runners and am waiting with baited breath to hear what they have to say.

I also did a very dumb thing yesterday. Rick asked me to go walking with him after dinner last night. I want to encourage him to have activity so I was happy to go. Only problem was that I was in flip flops and now I have blisters. Stupid. So I have to hope they will heal up in the next week.

I am so afraid of something going wrong! Poor Sienna is sick and needs me to go up there and get her some food but I just can't. I can't get sick right now. I know, I'm a bad mom. But I just feel like I have to be selfish now.

I started getting stuff ready to pack today!

having a little bit of anxiety to say the least

So I'm just thinking all day ...but what if I can't? What if I fail? What if I get injured? What if the sweepers get me? What if I oversleep? What if I can't sleep? What if I forget my ambien? What if my luggage is lost? What if I miss my flight? What if I am just too out of shape? What if I can't keep up with Aunt Pam? What if I get diarrhea? What if I get sick between now and then? What if my iPod doesn't work? What if they run out of water at the water stops? What if they run out of medals? What if I don't finish and don't get a medal? What if I am so sore I can't walk in the parks after the race? What should I eat? What should I not eat? What if the kids come? What if the kids don't come? How am I going to text to everyone if my phone doesn't work? Should I carry my phone and my camera or just my phone? What if the phone or the camera doesn't work and I don't have the other one? What if I forget to pack the right socks? What if I leave my waiver at home? Should I take advil before the race or during or after? How will we get to the Expo? Will we catch the bus on time? Will it be cold? Will I need a jacket? should I bring black trash bags to keep warm in or just a jacket? Should I wear a tiara or should I just wear my Bondi Band with a picture of a tiara? What if my shoelace breaks? What if my nose keeps running and I forget my tissue? Am I going to wear the tutu or not? What if the tutu chafes my arms? What if people are mean to me because I am so slow? What if Pam is impatient with me? How am I going to deal with my mother when she is there?

What if I can't do it?

I just want to express today how grateful I am that I have a body that I can push to limits I never thought possible and still be okay. Gosh, it's just incredible. I did 12 miles today. I could barely walk up the hill to the car. But I did 12 miles. Wow. Never thought I could ever do it. Never thought I could. It brings tears to my eyes to think about it.

Can't get no satisfaction

I can't get no satisfaction,
I can't get no satisfaction.
cuz I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no....


Talking to Rick today. I was telling him that when I was 293# I always said if only I could get to 200# I'd be satisfied. Then when I was 200# I said if only I could get to 180# I'd be satisfied. I made it to 182. So then I gained over 20# and I said, if I could only just be fit and healthy I'd be satisfied. Now I am fit and healthy......not satisfied. So, I'm going through all this with Rick and he said, sounds to me like you just need to quit worrying about your weight and work on just being satisfied. As Chanel always says, Rick is a very wise man. Why am I never satisfied?

One Day at a time

Each day gets a little easier. I still can't hear people talk about dads or see his picture without getting teary eyed but it gets easier.

I really just need to focus on my health and fitness right now. I am reading a wonderful book called FAT TO FIT and oh my gosh, do you know that if you just find the BMR of your goal weight and add 20% and eat that many calories per day and be consistent with it, you will eventually be at that goal weight and then if you keep eating that amount of calories, you will maintain that weight? It's true. ( you have to work out and burn 300-400 cals/day). Now you may only lose a pound a week or so, but you will lose. A pound a week I can do! And you know the greatest thing? My calorie limit to get to my goal weight is 2000 calories. I think I can handle that.

Rest in Peace

My dad died on August 12th. Two days after my birthday. I thought I was prepared for this but I wasn't. This is harder than I ever thought it would be. I will miss him more than words can say. He was the one person in my life before I met Rick that I knew I could always count on. I will miss him.

I am leaving Florida tomorrow. I really think that this will be the last time I see my dad alive.

I went to church today with my mom. I hadn't been in a long time but I felt like I needed to go today for her. It was nice. I saw many of the women who were friends of my parents while I was growing up. My parents used to be very social and I have great memories of camp outs, card nights, barbeques, bible schools etc with these women in my life. In seeing these women today, I saw wonderful memories. Memories of my parents before heart attacks, before COPD, before joint pain and before diabetes.

My dad is frail now. And weak. And dying...maybe not right now this week but soon. And I just needed those memories today in church so that I could remember him as the man he once was.

My parents didn't have the best marriage and I know many times they both were wishing for divorce. I don't pretend our life as a family was rosy all the time. But today I was sitting in the hospital room and my mom was holding my dad's head against her chest and he was just so peaceful there while she stroked his cheek. It was touching to watch and the love was definitely there.

So we shall see how things go.

Oh my gosh. I have gone and done it now!

"I've learned that finishing a marathon isn't just an athletic achievement, it's a state of mind: a state of mind that says anythiing is possible."-John Hanc

I am going to be wearing this medal on February 27, 2011. I signed up for the Disney Princess Half Marathon today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, for real, like I paid $128 and everything! I am really going to do this. It wasn't really "real" to me until I hit that Submit button today. I am so frickin' excited. My Aunt Pam is going to run it with me!

So, it's time to get serious. I have to get my weight under control. I have to focus on getting as healthy as I can and on staying injury free for the next 233 days. WOOHOO!!!!!

I don't believe in hell

I had an interesting conversation last week with Sienna. It seems that I, the one who bore her, the one person who would fall on a stake for her, the one who says a little prayer for her every night, am going to hell. Huh.

I don't believe I am going to hell. I don't even believe that there is a hell, for that matter. But apparently, my little christian Sienna struggles everyday because she believes I will spend eternity there. It makes me sad that she has been taught somewhere along the way that #1 there is a heaven and a hell and #2 it doesn't matter how good of a person you are, if you don't believe Jesus Christ is your savior, you are going to spend eternity in damnation.

I don't believe in hell. I don't believe that Jesus Christ is the only savior and I don't believe that Christianity is the only true religion. What I do believe is that there is a supreme being who has somehow created me and who has molded me into this person I have become. I believe that this God is all-knowing, that he or she is kind and loving and gracious. I do not believe that the God I believe in would create a hell where his or her own creation would burn for eternity. I mean, seriously? I just can't wrap my head around a God who would do that. I mean, I am good. I am kind. I am caring. I am honest. I am loving. I do not believe that good people burn in hell. I'm sorry, I just don't.

I just hope that one day, Sienna will come to an understanding that yes, there are many religions and belief systems in the world, and that is really ok. I hope that when I die, she is able to come to terms with the idea. I wish for her to have peace.

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." Harriet Beecher Stowe


Saw this today on one of the running blogs that I read. I'm not really in this place right now but I have been in the recent past. I try to look forward and ask myself, How's it gonna look in a year? I'm happy to say that in my mind, things look good in the future. I am hopeful.

"Now if you are going to win any battle you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up. It is always tired in the morning, noon, and night. But the body is never tired if the mind is not tired."
- George S. Patton, U.S. Army General, 1912 Olympian


I need to have this playing over and over on my iPod in the morning. I can't seem to break that 4 mile mark. so close. What happens is my mind plays tricks on me. My body really does seem fine except that I can't get my breathing to slow down. My one foot goes a little numb. Then my brain starts worrying that I'm going to fall because my foot is numb. Then I think I can't go any farther because I'm too bored. So I walk for awhile. What I want is to be able to run for 4 miles without walking. Of course, my ultimate goal by February is to run 13.1 miles. I just need to get my brain to cooperate. The body is never tired if the mind is not tired.