One Day at a time

Each day gets a little easier. I still can't hear people talk about dads or see his picture without getting teary eyed but it gets easier.

I really just need to focus on my health and fitness right now. I am reading a wonderful book called FAT TO FIT and oh my gosh, do you know that if you just find the BMR of your goal weight and add 20% and eat that many calories per day and be consistent with it, you will eventually be at that goal weight and then if you keep eating that amount of calories, you will maintain that weight? It's true. ( you have to work out and burn 300-400 cals/day). Now you may only lose a pound a week or so, but you will lose. A pound a week I can do! And you know the greatest thing? My calorie limit to get to my goal weight is 2000 calories. I think I can handle that.

Rest in Peace

My dad died on August 12th. Two days after my birthday. I thought I was prepared for this but I wasn't. This is harder than I ever thought it would be. I will miss him more than words can say. He was the one person in my life before I met Rick that I knew I could always count on. I will miss him.

I am leaving Florida tomorrow. I really think that this will be the last time I see my dad alive.

I went to church today with my mom. I hadn't been in a long time but I felt like I needed to go today for her. It was nice. I saw many of the women who were friends of my parents while I was growing up. My parents used to be very social and I have great memories of camp outs, card nights, barbeques, bible schools etc with these women in my life. In seeing these women today, I saw wonderful memories. Memories of my parents before heart attacks, before COPD, before joint pain and before diabetes.

My dad is frail now. And weak. And dying...maybe not right now this week but soon. And I just needed those memories today in church so that I could remember him as the man he once was.

My parents didn't have the best marriage and I know many times they both were wishing for divorce. I don't pretend our life as a family was rosy all the time. But today I was sitting in the hospital room and my mom was holding my dad's head against her chest and he was just so peaceful there while she stroked his cheek. It was touching to watch and the love was definitely there.

So we shall see how things go.

Oh my gosh. I have gone and done it now!

"I've learned that finishing a marathon isn't just an athletic achievement, it's a state of mind: a state of mind that says anythiing is possible."-John Hanc

I am going to be wearing this medal on February 27, 2011. I signed up for the Disney Princess Half Marathon today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, for real, like I paid $128 and everything! I am really going to do this. It wasn't really "real" to me until I hit that Submit button today. I am so frickin' excited. My Aunt Pam is going to run it with me!

So, it's time to get serious. I have to get my weight under control. I have to focus on getting as healthy as I can and on staying injury free for the next 233 days. WOOHOO!!!!!

I don't believe in hell

I had an interesting conversation last week with Sienna. It seems that I, the one who bore her, the one person who would fall on a stake for her, the one who says a little prayer for her every night, am going to hell. Huh.

I don't believe I am going to hell. I don't even believe that there is a hell, for that matter. But apparently, my little christian Sienna struggles everyday because she believes I will spend eternity there. It makes me sad that she has been taught somewhere along the way that #1 there is a heaven and a hell and #2 it doesn't matter how good of a person you are, if you don't believe Jesus Christ is your savior, you are going to spend eternity in damnation.

I don't believe in hell. I don't believe that Jesus Christ is the only savior and I don't believe that Christianity is the only true religion. What I do believe is that there is a supreme being who has somehow created me and who has molded me into this person I have become. I believe that this God is all-knowing, that he or she is kind and loving and gracious. I do not believe that the God I believe in would create a hell where his or her own creation would burn for eternity. I mean, seriously? I just can't wrap my head around a God who would do that. I mean, I am good. I am kind. I am caring. I am honest. I am loving. I do not believe that good people burn in hell. I'm sorry, I just don't.

I just hope that one day, Sienna will come to an understanding that yes, there are many religions and belief systems in the world, and that is really ok. I hope that when I die, she is able to come to terms with the idea. I wish for her to have peace.

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." Harriet Beecher Stowe


Saw this today on one of the running blogs that I read. I'm not really in this place right now but I have been in the recent past. I try to look forward and ask myself, How's it gonna look in a year? I'm happy to say that in my mind, things look good in the future. I am hopeful.

"Now if you are going to win any battle you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up. It is always tired in the morning, noon, and night. But the body is never tired if the mind is not tired."
- George S. Patton, U.S. Army General, 1912 Olympian


I need to have this playing over and over on my iPod in the morning. I can't seem to break that 4 mile mark. so close. What happens is my mind plays tricks on me. My body really does seem fine except that I can't get my breathing to slow down. My one foot goes a little numb. Then my brain starts worrying that I'm going to fall because my foot is numb. Then I think I can't go any farther because I'm too bored. So I walk for awhile. What I want is to be able to run for 4 miles without walking. Of course, my ultimate goal by February is to run 13.1 miles. I just need to get my brain to cooperate. The body is never tired if the mind is not tired.

Don't feel much like smiling today

I searched and searched my iPhoto trying to find a photo of myself not smiling. Weird, I know. But it was very hard to find one. I'm just feeling sad and grumpy today which is so unlike me. I'm usually always smiling.

There are just some things I can't write about in a blog. Life is stressful right now and my emotional bank account has had too many withdrawals by other people lately.

Disney World, I miss you. I would really love to be in the Happiest Place on Earth right now.

mixed blessings

My Aunt Pam was at a conference in Atlanta last week so we decided to go visit Mom and Dad in Florida over the weekend.
The weekend really turned out much better than expected. I LOVE spending time with Pam. She has always been my favorite aunt and like a second mom to me. She is so generous and kind and I want to be just like her when I grow up.

I must say that before we got there to see my Dad at the nursing home on Thursday I was hopeful. Mom had painted a pretty rosy picture of how things were going. I felt like crying when I left there that evening. He was not doing well. I don't think he knew who we were. I couldn't understand a single word he was saying. He kept fidgeting and picking at his blankets. He kept trying to crawl out of bed. It was very discouraging.

Friday morning was not a lot better. It's hard to know if he is really there or not cognitively. He just has a continuous ramble. He gets agitated when we can't understand him.

My mom was not there until late Friday afternoon because she went to west Florida to pick up my second nephew who had been in juvenile detention for the last 9 months. So I had to tell my dad over and over where they were because he forgets things easily. We were in occupational therapy with my dad that afternoon and in walks my nephew. My dad looked up at him and it seemed like it registered who Brandon was immediately and he raised his good arm for a hug. He had tears in his eyes, It was then that I knew that my dad was in there and he was slowly coming out. We all cried. He hadn't been showing affection so it was extra special to watch that interaction.

Saturday, Mom decided to have a BBQ at their home. I couldn't believe how much my dad seemed right at home there. He had his bluegrass music playing. He just kept looking around at everything like he was inspecting. He recognized his cats. When he first got sick he would always ask about his cats. He just smiled his crooked smile and held each of them. He even remembered two of their names. It was a great day. He only got agitated a couple of times.

So we took him back to the nursing home Saturday night and got him all tucked into bed. He just kept jabbering on about who knows what. We can't understand what he's saying unless he gets angry. If that's the case , we can understand every single curse word that comes out of his mouth. :) I was trying to talk to him about the fact that I was leaving on Sunday to go home. And then all of the sudden, he grabs my hand and kisses it and says, "Red,(that's his nickname for me). I love you, I love you, I love you." Clear as day. Like he really knew what he was saying and really meant it. Oh my gosh, that just meant so much to me.

I cried like a baby.

I am amazed by how well my mom is doing. This woman who I always perceived as weaker has really turned out to be very strong. She is in the process of buying them a Doublewide to live in. She has done all of the business-y stuff on her own. She just finds out what needs to be done and she does it. She is not discouraged at all by my dad's progress. She is preparing to care for him when he gets out of the rehab center, and she doesn't seem afraid of the future at all. I don't know where this woman has come from but I am so glad she is here now.

So, it was a good weekend and I am encouraged and hopeful now.

I just need you to take me seriously

I AM going to run the Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon in February. For some reason, Rick is not taking me seriously about it. I think that he thinks I won't follow through, that I will lose interest. But I won't. Whenever I start talking about it, I hear about oh you don't want to do that. Oh, no marathons. Oh, it's too pricey. blah blah blah.

The fact of the matter is, I am getting older. I will be 44 yrs old this year. Most runners reach their peak at 34. So, if I wait any longer, the odds are really stacked against me. My knees will start going bad. My hips will hurt. I'll start getting corns on my toes. lol. I need to do this now. I want to be a Disney Princess when I cross the finish line, not an old hag.

So, be aware people, I am going to do this. I would appreciate a few cheerleaders along the way.

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."--Walter Bagehot

wishing my dad was better

Today is my Mom's birthday. My dad used to always make a really big deal of our birthdays. He would wake us up real early in the morning to sing Happy Birthday to us. He would make us a cake and then when Publix cakes got so good, he would go get us one of those. We would usually cook out and he would burn the hot dogs and hamburgers just how we liked them. One year, knowing how much I love breakfast food, he made me french toast and grilled hot dogs(another favorite) for dinner.

So today is my Mom's birthday and I cried when she told me she tried to get him to sing Happy Birthday to her. And of course, he can't. If I could have been there, I would have sung it. I just wish I was there.

We were in Lowe's today getting some things for around the house. We always got my dad Lowe's gift cards for his birthday. He LOVED them. He loves to build things. Now, it's sad to think that he may never be able to use a Lowe's gift card again. So many things that he may never be able to do again. It's kind of depressing.

I wanna be that girl

The last several months have been horrible for my weight loss. I broke my arm in September after a car accident. It was a long recovery and I wasn't able to work out until November. We had vacation in October. We had Thanksgiving in November. We had vacation in December and also Christmas holidays. I really only worked out maybe 15 days from the end of September until mid-January. Then my dad had his heart attacks, surgeries, strokes and I spent so much time off my regular schedule, stressing. So from September 22 until now I have gained 15 pounds. None of my summer clothes fit. I had to go shopping to buy bigger clothes! I swore I would never do that.

And now, once again, I am saying Enough is Enough! I have worked out almost everyday in the last 3 weeks but I am also not focusing on my eating like I should. So, the weight isn't coming off. So, enough is enough. Time to get it together.

I want to be that girl I see running down the street. I want to just go out for a jog whenever I feel like it. I want to be that girl who hikes up to Mt. LeConte just for something to do on a Saturday. I want to be that girl who runs down Main Street at the Magic Kingdom after just completing the half marathon. I want to be that girl.

And I will be.

I am encouraged

Just spent a few days with my Dad and Mom. I am encouraged after our visit. My dad seems much more alert and he sometimes makes eye contact. His neurologist is saying that he's doing well. He is still in ICU but it's mostly because his rt lung keeps collapsing. We were able to take him outside on two days. He really seemed to enjoy that. He was just looking around, watching the cars go by and the people who were standing around. At one point there was a soft breeze and my dad just laid his head back and enjoyed the feel of it on his face.

Although I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop, right now he is doing well. I am constantly amazed at how strong my father is. He is definitely a fighter.

My Mom is doing better as well. I worry about her spending all of her days at the hospital but she seems to do okay. We have started looking for alternative housing for them for if and when my dad gets out of rehab. She is being a little resistive. I know that change is hard but sometimes necessary. One thing is for sure, they can not stay where they are.

On our way back to Florida

We are headed back to Florida to be with my family today. My dad is still in the hospital in ICU. They have been getting him up in the chair for a couple hours each day. He still has no response on his right side and doesn't follow commands. But Mom said he reached over and grabbed his right arm the other day. I'm kind of anxious about going. It seems the stories and prognosis from the Dr vary from day to day. Here is a pic of Dad up in the chair. It makes me kind of sad to look at it because it doesn't even look like him. He looks sad and worn out.



Mom said they are going to try to take him outside on Thursday. He hasn't been out in the sunshine since January. I think it will do him some good.

It just hit me today

I'm sorry all of my posts have been so negative lately. I try to stay upbeat and optimistic in public. This blog is really the only way I have to vent right now because I'm trying to keep a smile on my face elsewhere.

My dad really isn't doing much better. Mom says sometimes it seems like he is trying to communicate. He will squeeze her hand some. But most of the time, he looks sad and just out of it. Still no movement on his right side. His pneumonia is back. He was aspirating his feeding liquids. Somehow.

So, being the psych nurse I am, I am very concerned about Dad getting depressed. People with Open heart surgery as well as people who have suffered strokes have a very high probability of getting depressed. So I asked mom to talk to his Dr about going ahead and getting him started on an antidepressant. His response was, " those medicines take 4-6 weeks to take effect and well, we just aren't going to do that. " I didn't understand it at all. Why would you not start them? With everything he's been through, of course he's going to be depressed! Why would you not start them?!

And today it hit me. They don't want to start them because they don't think he has 4-6 weeks to live. That's the only reason it could be.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take. My dad had a severe stroke this morning. He had a procedure to remove the clot. He seemed to do okay with it but he was not waking up like they thought he should and they were going to do a CT scan to see if there was another bleed somewhere.

Just the thought of my dad being helpless or impaired from the stroke is almost more than I can take. Then, my mom, who I left the other day in rough shape, finds out her precious dog was hit by a car and died. Now she is so devastated and she is irrational and is suicidal. My sister has 5 boys to raise and she can't afford to take any more time off of work. I was counting on her to kind of keep control of things but she tells me today that she just can't do it anymore. Well, I can't either. I am in Florida every weekend. I am tired. My dad is the patriarch of this family and I just feel like without him to take care of things, everyone is falling apart right before my eyes.

I have responsibilities here. Rick has been so patient but he is neglected. I had committed to helping Chanel with girl scouts and I haven't been able to. Christy will be on maternity leave before long and work needs me. My closest, dearest friend is struggling and i am helpless to help her. It's just too much. My weight is out of control because I never have time to work out. That is making me depressed as well. Been to weight watchers 3 times and I weight more now than when I started.

So, I am off to Florida tomorrow. Sienna will go with me this time . It will be nice to have the company. Sienna is a good nurturer and thats just what I need. A little nurturing.

I have to do this. Just for today I can. Just for today.

...and today all is right with the world

I love this man. This is one of my favorite pictures of us together.

January 15,2010 my dad had his first heart attack. He has since had 2 more. He's been in the hospital all but 3 days out of the last month. All but one of those days has been in ICU. He has had CPR performed on him 3 times. He has had repair of a perforated bowel. He has had Congestive Heart Failure, an adrenal tumor, respiratory arrest, blocked carotid artery, blood pressures in the 223/120 range. They found some sort of mass on his lung. He almost went into insulin shock. Twice he was headed for open heart surgery and something happened that he couldn't do it. He has been out on the roof talking on the phone and also somewhere in Texas, and apparently, according to him, out buying property with Rick. lol. (He got a little loopy in ICU). But through it all, my dad kept fighting. I had all but given up on him a time or two but he never gave up.

He had his open heart surgery yesterday. And today he is doing great!! They took him off the ventilator today. He is alert and trying to talk. It's hard to understand him because he's been intubated for so long. When I go in to see him, I have to have my sister there because she's the only one of us who can understand him and I am so grateful to her. But today, I actually laughed with him. It felt so good. He just laughs and smiles real big. His facial expressions just light up with conversation. I think he is going to pull through and recover just fine. For the first time in 4 weeks, I feel good about things. It's like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of my chest. He had a lot of people praying for him and I'm not really a religious person but there's something to be said for the power of prayer.

I am so grateful.

I want to go home

I have only been home 3 days out of the last 3 weeks. I miss my husband. I miss my kids. I miss my friends and yes, I miss my work. (Never thought I would say that). My dad has been very ill and I have been here in Florida with him. And now, today, I just want to go home. Maybe in a few days.

1st off: Happy things

Things that make me happy #2. Being married. I love being married. Rick and I have been married for 7 years now and I have not regretted my decision one single time. It's wonderful knowing that someone is there for you at the end of the day. It's wonderful being awakened by snoring in the night because if that's happening, you know that you are not alone. It's nice to have someone you can count on no matter what. Rick is the most incredible husband and being his wife makes me very happy.


I have just returned from a week long trip to Florida. My dad had a heart attack and we thought we were going to lose him. He seems to be doing fine now, which is a relief. He will have a quadruple bypass next week. With my dad's illness, I've been thinking a lot about death and dying. It's morbid I know. But when faced with mortality, one can't help but consider things. My mom and I talked a lot about funerals, finances, what to do with his possessions, how life would be without my dad. I think it would be foolish of us to not talk about that stuff. The man runs on a blood pressure of 230/180 and a blood sugar of 400 or greater. I'm glad to know that if anything happens to my dad, my mom will be okay. She is prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. I have seen this week that she is stronger than I have given her credit for. My sister, on the other hand, is a basket case. I thought that my sister would take care of my mom if anything happened to my dad,but it seems things are the other way around. I'm a little surprised by that. My mom can be pretty tough.

My dad is not easy to live with. At the hospital, he had one day where he was in a good mood. I think that was the day that he realized that he could've died. The subsequent days, he was a total grouch. To everyone. Nurses, Doctors, Dieticians, us. It was so hard to sit with him day in and day out listening to his verbal abuse of everyone. I have told my mom that when he has his surgery, we would sit with him in shifts. I just don't think I could take being there with him all day every day again. He wore me down and made me cry once. I don't want to be in that position again. I love him, but sometimes I don't like him very much. I think that is often the case between parents and their children.

So, I'll keep you updated. I'm not looking forward to the surgery next week.

Things that make me happy

Happy New Year! This year I have decided to try to do something different. I've been doing a lot of soul searching since Christmas. Chanel gave me a memoir for Christmas that has really got me thinking.

The book is called, "Thin is the New Happy" By Valerie Frankel. This book was just what I needed right now. In the book, Ms. Frankel began dieting at age 11. Same as me. She was only mildly overweight then but kids in school teased her, her mom obsessed with her weight and pretty soon her whole life revolved around her weight and dieting. Same as me. Starting at age 11. Isn't that insane? Like Ms. Frankel my battle with my weight has gone on my entire life. I had convinced myself that I would reach some sort of Nirvana just as soon as I reached my goal weight. I constantly think about food, how many calories are in it, how many fat grams, how many ounces I am eating, how much I would have to work out to burn off those calories. I talk about it all the time. I know my family and friends are tired of hearing me talk about it all the time. I am constantly on the quest for true happiness in a size 8. But, like Ms.Frankel, I have come to realize that I am truly happy. Here. Now. With this 190 pound body.

In the book, she comes to this realization and decides that she is no longer going to let thoughts of weight and diet permeate her life. She just stops dieting. She makes a conscious decision to eat when she's hungry, stop when she's full and exercise 4 days a week. Guess what? She lost weight and she was much more relaxed and happy. She even stopped weighing herself. So that is my new philosophy: Stop dieting, be happy.

I have decided to focus instead on the many, many things in my life that make me happy. So, every week this year I am going to post about things that make me smile. I'm going to work on a happiness scrapbook that I hope to have completed at the end of the year with photos of the plethora of things that bring me joy.

So for today, one thing that makes me happy are these. Pink Converse Tennis shoes. Oh how I wanted these for Christmas. Leeann has some white ones that are just darling with capris and ever since I saw her wearing them I have been on the quest to have some pink ones. I received these from Chanel for Christmas and I just think they are so cool!

Have a great day!