This is what Saturdays should be made of.

Sleep in til 9:30
Breakfast at McDonald's
Catch up on phone calls.
Plan for our trip.
Lunch at the Soup Kitchen.
Catch up on emails.
Scrap.
Scrap.
Nap.
Scrap.
Scrap.
Dinner.
Scrap.
Scrap.
Shower.
Scrap.
Veg in front of the TV.

Love Saturdays.

Okay, so now that I've "rethunk" things... :)

I have been in the same career for 17 years. I feel stuck. Problem is, psych nursing is very specialized and I can't just switch to another form of nursing without a lot of discomfort. I don't have any "medical nursing" skills. I would have no idea what to do on say, a med surg unit of a hospital. I've really shot myself in the foot. I loved psych nursing and could never imagine doing anything but psych nursing but here we are..17 years later.

But, I am fortunate to have a job in this economy. I know that. We are trying to save money so we can retire in 6 years. I am like the queen bee at my office. I am allowed to take as many vacations per year as I would like. .I truly love every person I work with. I only work 3.25 days per week. I make a damn good salary. So what, you may ask, am I complaining about? I have no idea. Those of you who know me well, know that I just go through this from time to time. I'm not trying to be lazy. I do work hard. I just get emotionally drained from my job and it seems to be more draining as the years go by. So I have decided that just for now, I will just take it day by day. There are only 76 more days until my next vacation. It helps to have time off to look forward to.

ponderings

I have been sick this week but I seem to be coming out of it. I've had a lot of time on my hands to think about things. When you don't have any strength or energy, the easiest thing to do it just veg out and think about your life. So that's what I have been doing. Here are some things that have been on my mind.
1. I really like being home. I don't want to work anymore. I am going to try to figure out some way that I can make that happen. I've just been disenheartened by my job lately and I'm really kind of over it. Or, if it can't work that I can stop working, then I need to start working at something else. I would even be willing to give up my biannual trips to Disney World.
2. Aside from Rick, I only have one friend in this world who will tell me to suck it up or get it together. It's funny how people are. People are so afraid that you will get mad at them that they will most of the time just tell you what you want to hear. And most of the time, that is fine. But sometimes, its just perfect to have a friend who will bitch-slap you and tell you to quit whining and deal with it. I am lucky to have that kind of a friend.
3. My dad, gruff and ornery as he is, loves me intensely. He has called me every day this week to basically tell me to get my ass to the Dr. But I know that he was really struggling with worry and it makes me smile to think about him. He really is a softie underneath. I've been thinking a lot about when I was growing up with him as my dad.
4. I really can't let my mommy guilt continue to rule my life. It is my fault Danny and I divorced. I beat myself up about it all the time. I keep trying to make the guilt go away in my mind but it is always there. It tears me up sometimes. I know my kids have struggled because of my choices. But, damn, that was 13 years ago. Let it go, already.
5. I really want to laugh more. And the way to do that is to surround myself with people who laugh. I wish I had more time to spend with my friends. Again, if I didn't have to work.....
6. I nag Rick too much. Mostly about his health. I wish he would take better care of himself. But nagging just makes him put up a wall and so there is no benefit. So, I can just lead by example. I will get healthy and I will get this weight off and hopefully then, he will want to do the same.

So there have been lots of things going through my mind these last few days. Alot of them thanks to Dr. Phil. lol. I have watched so much TV this week. You just can't imagine how much. I'd watch a little, sleep a little, watch a little....
Those are just a few of my ponderings this week. There are so many more of course, but I'm sure you are bored enough already. :)

my turn

I guess it's my turn to be sick. I am always the girl who goes around bragging because I never get sick, yet, here I am, sick. The only thing that has gotten me out of bed today is hunger. And, since I have little food at my house, I have gone out to eat lunch and now I. am. exhausted. It's one of those days where you are so tired you can't sleep. yuck. Sienna has been sick for a week as well, I knew I shouldn't have kissed her cheek the other day!

So while I am sitting here vegetating, and coughing and sniffling, I decided to listen to the inauguration speech. This was the first time I have had a chance to listen to it. I must say, I shed a tear or two. I am so relieved that this country may just catch a break now after 8 long years. I just hope congress goes along with the plan. I am excited that we have turned the page and that things will start looking up for us.

Chanel had been here for a couple of days. I am always so happy to spend time with her. She had a job interview here in town and she feels like it went well. How cool would that be to have her here in town with us? She said the other day, "Mom, wouldn't it be cool if I could live here in Knoxville and see you everyday?" To which I said, Weeellll, maybe every other day. Love her so much but just her presence can be overwhelming sometimes. There's been a problem with her plan to move to California which I can't really go into, but she has decided to stay in Tennessee. I hope it will turn out to be the right decision. I think it will.
We are doing weight watchers together. She and I and Sienna. It's so fun having other people to do it with. Chanel gets pretty obsessive about the diets she goes on and Weight Watchers is no exception. But I love it. She definitely keeps me on track and is always wanting to talk about it which keeps me motivated. Sienna is not so enthusiastic but we are working on her. :)

Have a great day. Stay healthy.

some evident progress

I was looking back at old blogs today to kind of see my old new year's resolutions and I ran across these pictures. One is at the end of 2006 and one is at the end of 2008. I have had a hard time really telling the difference in my weight but looking at these pictures side by side makes me see that I have been making some small progress. Hopefully at the end of 2009 the changes will be even more significant.

Letting go

I think I am getting psychotic. This whole thing with Chanel has been getting to me. I'm pretty stressed about it and so I find myself making snide comments on Facebook and on blogs and people are saying things like, "you're losing it". What the heck am I doing? Yes, I want to keep her close. I feel like I can take care of her if she is near me and I don't know Steve from Adam and I am just supposed to trust that he is going to take care of her 2000+ miles away. It's kind of a hard thing for a mom to swallow. I am very close to my girls and when you mess with what we have, well, I come out fighting. okay, so that's psychotic? Seems pretty normal to me, though others don't think so. I'm just a little resentful, can you tell?

So I can either start myself on Haldol or chill out. She obviously is in love with him and he is with her. She wants to be with him, though I see her struggling with the idea of leaving here. Ideally, he would come here, but it's doubtful that will happen. He has his life there. So, I just have to trust that they are doing the right thing. That God will take care of her. It's been tough these last few days, seeing her struggling, trying to make her way. I just have to let go. And that is very tough for me. It will not do her any good seeing me turn into an idiot, so I am just going to chill about it. I am just going to be happy that she is making her own way and having her own adventures with her life partner. And then, I will step up my visits to my therapist. lol.

Betrayed!

Can I just say how devastating it is knowing that my 3 best friends and their husbands are not supportive of my favorite team's bid for the National Championship. ugh. It just gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. I mean how could you not support the Gators when you know I am so passionate about them. I feel so betrayed by all of you. You should be ashamed. All of you. You know who you are.

We are going to kick Oklahoma's ass! So there, Seriously. :) (Smiley face in case you did take me seriously. )

Well, vacation's over

Today will be the beginning of getting back into the regularity of life. Over the last month and a half, we have been celebrating the holidays, taking vacations and not working much. Today all that ends. It will be April before I have any more time off and the thought of that is a bit depressing. Its cold and rainy here and can I just say, I hate the winter time.

Chanel is still in California. I'm not happy with the idea of her living out there. I guess she just has to do what she has to do. I try not to say too much about it. I just want her to be happy and if this is what makes her happy, so be it.
Sienna starts school next week. I am so glad she is going back to school. She just had to take some time off to get her head together and she has decided that school would be the best thing for her. She called me today to tell me that they have laid everyone in her department off except for 2 people. She is one of the two. She's pretty worried about her job. I keep telling her though, that it's just something she has no control over. No sense in worrying herself sick over it. She just needs to have good job performance as that is the only thing she has control over.

I just got the results from my mammogram today and it showed some abnormalities compared to my last one. It's probably nothing but it's worrisome just the same. I have been putting off calling them all day.

I really need to get my eating under control. I've gained about 6 pounds since Thanksgiving and it weighs on me everyday. It's always in the back of my mind, yet, i keep eating. So, now that vacations are over and I can be in some sort of routine, I am going to get on it and do better. I plan to work out 6 days a week and also to do Weight Watchers. I am going to get this weight off. My first goal is just 20 pounds, 20 pounds isn't that much. I can do it. Starting now. Rick is going to do it with me.
This is the two of us now. I will post another pic a month from now.

Have a great day.

most embarrassing moment

I've been here in Florida for the last 3 days. The weather has been wonderful. The coolest day we've had was 68 degrees. Nice.
Sienna and I are here visiting my mom and dad. We've had a good time so far. There have been a couple of touch and go situations but we've all come out of it okay.

I do have a funny story to tell you. Friday, Sienna wanted to go visit her other grandparents for a while. Her dad, my ex and his wife were down here visiting so she wanted to go over there while Danny was here. So she did. That was the first night we were here. I stayed at my mom's and then came back here to the hotel around 9. It was very nice being here in the room by myself to sort of decompress after our visit. Sienna called about 9:30 and said they were on their way back. Her grandparents live about 30 minutes from here. So, its been a long day and I wanted to relax in a hot shower before Sienna got here. That's what I did. Felt so good.

After the shower, I just put on my PJs, it was just going to be us girls, and put my hair up in a towel and sat here playing on the computer. She called when she got here and I told her which room # and since we are just around the corner from the front desk, I stuck my head out the door so she would find me. So here she comes around the corner and I said, Yay you're back and then her dad walks around the corner. That was bad enough but, I figured, heck, he's seen me naked before so no big deal, but then, around the corner is my ex-father-in-law. Picture this, me, my hair in a towel, no make-up, tight pajamas, no bra. I am very big breasted, and it was obvious that I had no bra on. I did not bring a robe, it was just us girls. Now, that's not bad enough. Danny's step dad is VERY conservative and Very religious. And then I had to hug him. ugh. So I'm very self conscious about this whole situation and here we all are out in the hotel hallway, (they wouldn't come into the room) and all I can think about is my boobs. So, I begin trying to cover myself with my arms, Sienna now tells me that made it look even more obvious. And, Danny, being that he knows me so well, knows how uncomfortable I am so he starts grinning from ear to ear. That just made it worse.

So, I am telling my mom and dad about it the next morning and explaining that I had to give him a hug and my dad is like "So? You think he's never hugged a woman with no bra on before?" eeecchhh.

Today, Sienna and I and mom went to the beach. The water was ice cold and it was a little windy but we got some great pictures. We are headed home tomorrow.