I am feeling much more like myself in the last 2 days. Falling into the hole called depression is a scary thing. I know how deep the hole goes and I do not want to go there. I typically have mood cycles about every 1-2 months. This time was more frightening to me than any I've had in a long time. It wasn't just the sadness this time, it was also the anger. I was so afraid that things would not get better before our vacation, I have ruined several vacations because of my mood,so I called my Dr. on Friday and begged him to help me. Its rare that I ask for help so that should tell you something right there. So, now, true to form, I am cycling back out of it and I suspect in another day or two, I'll be fine. I'm still kind of tired, (but can't sleep),but it will normalize soon.
I am so proud of Sienna. She has started going to a church, on her own. Most of you know how I feel about church and I am not one to encourage others to go but I did encourage her to go and she did. She just seems so unhappy these days. She was happiest when she was going to church so I figured, why not? So she went and has been about 3 times, she has participated in other activities with the groups and this weekend, she went on a retreat with them. She had a great time and I am so glad. I hope that she can begin to socialize more and find friends to hang out with so she can get her mind off of Pedro.
I am scrapping photos of my childhood today. Its fun to reminisce over childhood vacations and such. I have been a vacation girl since I was little. I'll have to post some of the layouts when I am finished.
Have a great day.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
On a much lighter note
We leave for Disney in 20 days! I hope I can pull myself out of this slump by then. 20 days!!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
I've been sort of down lately. There's a lot of work stress going on and Dr. Jobson is decreasing my medicine, so it's been difficult. When I get into melancholy moods, I like to look through old journals and sort of reminisce. It's helpful sometimes to get some perspective. Things could be a lot worse. I ran across this poem that I used to love. I first read this poem when I was 13 and I have kept it all these years. It really speaks to me as I'm sure it will to you. I'm fine, at least pretty fine. I just think its important for every empathetic friend, sister, mother, husband, daughter to really be aware that sometimes things are not always what they seem.
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
Charles C. Finn
September 1966
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
Charles C. Finn
September 1966
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Random things about me
I mop the bathroom with my foot
I cheated my way through calculus
I graduated in the top 10% in my high school class
I had a 3.717 gpa when I graduated college, and that with clinicals, working full time and raising 2 kids
I learned to drive a stick shift in my friend's MG
I've had two dryers full of clothes stolen from a laundromat when I was 18
I have a little bunny that sits on my desk that says "somebunny loves you" when I squeeze him
I have taken fiddle lessons
Sometimes I sing Delta Dawn at the top of my lungs in my car
I have 4 1/2 siblings, 3 of whom I have never met.
I have only communicated with my real dad 1 time and that was when I was 21
There have been 2 times when I have seriously made plans to run away forever
I have been to Craters of the Moon National Park
I have been to Yellowstone and Mt. Rushmore twice
I used to sing in the choir in school.
I used to be a great fisherman
My favorite pet was named Soup
I got married the first time in my Aunt's wedding dress
I used to lay out on my parents' roof smeared in butter, trying to get a tan
I sleep on my stomach
I have been held at gunpoint when I was 18 by a cocaine addict
My favorite movies are Gone with the wind and the Wizard of Oz
I had my first real kiss when I was 11 from a boy named Tim Bowers
I once won $200 at Bingo
I have hiked to Mt LeConte
I have always wanted green eyes
I love love love Bluegrass music.
I would do anything to protect my family.
Just a few random thoughts.
Have a great day tomorrow. We are going to Dollywood.
Oh and GO GATORS!
I cheated my way through calculus
I graduated in the top 10% in my high school class
I had a 3.717 gpa when I graduated college, and that with clinicals, working full time and raising 2 kids
I learned to drive a stick shift in my friend's MG
I've had two dryers full of clothes stolen from a laundromat when I was 18
I have a little bunny that sits on my desk that says "somebunny loves you" when I squeeze him
I have taken fiddle lessons
Sometimes I sing Delta Dawn at the top of my lungs in my car
I have 4 1/2 siblings, 3 of whom I have never met.
I have only communicated with my real dad 1 time and that was when I was 21
There have been 2 times when I have seriously made plans to run away forever
I have been to Craters of the Moon National Park
I have been to Yellowstone and Mt. Rushmore twice
I used to sing in the choir in school.
I used to be a great fisherman
My favorite pet was named Soup
I got married the first time in my Aunt's wedding dress
I used to lay out on my parents' roof smeared in butter, trying to get a tan
I sleep on my stomach
I have been held at gunpoint when I was 18 by a cocaine addict
My favorite movies are Gone with the wind and the Wizard of Oz
I had my first real kiss when I was 11 from a boy named Tim Bowers
I once won $200 at Bingo
I have hiked to Mt LeConte
I have always wanted green eyes
I love love love Bluegrass music.
I would do anything to protect my family.
Just a few random thoughts.
Have a great day tomorrow. We are going to Dollywood.
Oh and GO GATORS!
Friday, September 19, 2008
work stuff that is really bringing me down
Our days have been miserable at work since Julie left. We had hired a lady to work with Dr. W when B went on maternity leave with the understanding that she would come and work with us when B got back. She interviewed well and she really seemed like a nice fit for our practice. Well, Dr. W and Dr. R (the Dr. I work for) used to be married. Dr. W's best friend works with her. So, the whole 6 weeks that the new girl, P, was working for Dr W, she heard all kinds of negative stuff about Dr. R from Dr W and Dr W's best friend, which did not bode well for us. She got along great with Dr. W's staff and they loved her. But with us, she was totally negative all the time. Always complaining about something, always tired. Threatening to go to the labor board once. She would not listen whenever we tried to teach her. She rolled her eyes. She copped an attitude with the Dr. She was mean to the patients. One patient's mom kicked her out of the room and demanded to see me because P was being a bitch to her. She threw a major temper tantrum in front of one of our new patients. It was miserable. So, they decided they were going to fire her today but yesterday after we all had left, she turned in her resignation. I guess she could see the handwriting on the wall. But, get this. She told our Practice Administrator that SHE couldn't work with US! That we were too clique-ish and we kept pushing her away. Which is not true really. We were really trying. We don't want to be a nurse short. It's hell trying to work a 3 nurse schedule with just 2 nurses. We were trying to figure out what could be done so that she would do better and not be so angry.
So today, the PA came to us and said, this is what P said and we just can't have this. "You can't just run people off because your personalities don't mesh. I don't want this to happen again." The kicker is, he KNEW how she was behaving but then he gets on to us for running her off. And yes, if our personalities don't mesh, we probably won't be able to work with her. We work in a very close, intimate environment. Everyone needs to be able to get along. So we pointed this out to him. It just irks me that he was so quick to blame us. Christy, Julie R, Dr R and I do have a tight bond and yes, it will be hard for someone to step into Julie M's shoes. But not if they are willing to have a good attitude and give us a chance. (and be nice to our patients). I think the worst thing that happened in all of this is having P work with Dr W before she worked with us. They contaminated her mind with all of their negativity and I think that is very very sad.
So, now we will have to work a 3 nurse schedule with 2 nurses. We will get behind and the patients will get mad because we are behind. Which will be miserable because when the patients are angry, it's harder to have short appts. with them. They figure since they've been waiting so long, they should have more of our time and it just becomes a perpetual problem. We have got to find a nurse fast but we don't want to jump into anything too quickly and make a bad choice.
I am planning on going to Disney in 28 days. If we don't find another nurse soon, I will not be able to go. I'm very worried about that. So, we will just see what happens.
So today, the PA came to us and said, this is what P said and we just can't have this. "You can't just run people off because your personalities don't mesh. I don't want this to happen again." The kicker is, he KNEW how she was behaving but then he gets on to us for running her off. And yes, if our personalities don't mesh, we probably won't be able to work with her. We work in a very close, intimate environment. Everyone needs to be able to get along. So we pointed this out to him. It just irks me that he was so quick to blame us. Christy, Julie R, Dr R and I do have a tight bond and yes, it will be hard for someone to step into Julie M's shoes. But not if they are willing to have a good attitude and give us a chance. (and be nice to our patients). I think the worst thing that happened in all of this is having P work with Dr W before she worked with us. They contaminated her mind with all of their negativity and I think that is very very sad.
So, now we will have to work a 3 nurse schedule with 2 nurses. We will get behind and the patients will get mad because we are behind. Which will be miserable because when the patients are angry, it's harder to have short appts. with them. They figure since they've been waiting so long, they should have more of our time and it just becomes a perpetual problem. We have got to find a nurse fast but we don't want to jump into anything too quickly and make a bad choice.
I am planning on going to Disney in 28 days. If we don't find another nurse soon, I will not be able to go. I'm very worried about that. So, we will just see what happens.
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