Internal struggles

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 7 years ago though I have had it my entire life.  I have been treated by the top bipolar MD in town and I must say, he has done a fantastic job of regulating my moods. I have been stable for the most part for the last 5 years. I consider myself kind of an expert on bipolar disorder.  Its what I do everyday, help treat bipolar patients.  I read about it all the time, go to conferences about it, and do continuing education about it. I know bipolar disorder. 

The nurse in me and the patient in me are frequently in conflict.  I do take a lot of medicines.  I hear about it from different people, Rick, my parents, my kids. In fact, its kind of embarrassing at times. So, after awhile, I start doubting.  Do I really need all these meds?  People don't really understand how complicated the illness is.  Most people with BPD need to be on a myriad of meds to achieve stability.  I am one of those people.  But dang! I hate taking them.  The nurse in me says, "don't be an idiot, of course you need your meds"  the patient in me says " You're on so much.  You're doing fine, maybe you don't need so much."  So, I have this conflict inside of me all the time. 

Recently, since I am an expert and all, I decided I was going to taper some of my meds (without Dr. Jobson's permission) again.   I know better. Every time I do it, I get the same result but I had to try.  I mean, I am doing so well. The result of this little experiment... not good. I became mean, sad, frustrated. Laughing one minute, yelling the next.  And I just felt anxious and foggy and just out of sorts.  I guess I do still need it.*lightbulb!*  And I am discouraged about that.  I know it is a lifelong illness but I was just hoping that I would be one of the 10% that get better.  Most people with bipolar do what I did over and over throughout their lives.  Usually for the same reasons.   Its just hard to believe that you're ill when you're doing so well.  

Now, after 2 days back on my regular doses, I feel fantastic.  When am I going to learn? 

I think going through this time and time again, I have become a better nurse and that's a plus.  Now, if only  I could just be a better patient! I will work on that. 

Have a very happy Friday tomorrow!