Internal struggles

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 7 years ago though I have had it my entire life.  I have been treated by the top bipolar MD in town and I must say, he has done a fantastic job of regulating my moods. I have been stable for the most part for the last 5 years. I consider myself kind of an expert on bipolar disorder.  Its what I do everyday, help treat bipolar patients.  I read about it all the time, go to conferences about it, and do continuing education about it. I know bipolar disorder. 

The nurse in me and the patient in me are frequently in conflict.  I do take a lot of medicines.  I hear about it from different people, Rick, my parents, my kids. In fact, its kind of embarrassing at times. So, after awhile, I start doubting.  Do I really need all these meds?  People don't really understand how complicated the illness is.  Most people with BPD need to be on a myriad of meds to achieve stability.  I am one of those people.  But dang! I hate taking them.  The nurse in me says, "don't be an idiot, of course you need your meds"  the patient in me says " You're on so much.  You're doing fine, maybe you don't need so much."  So, I have this conflict inside of me all the time. 

Recently, since I am an expert and all, I decided I was going to taper some of my meds (without Dr. Jobson's permission) again.   I know better. Every time I do it, I get the same result but I had to try.  I mean, I am doing so well. The result of this little experiment... not good. I became mean, sad, frustrated. Laughing one minute, yelling the next.  And I just felt anxious and foggy and just out of sorts.  I guess I do still need it.*lightbulb!*  And I am discouraged about that.  I know it is a lifelong illness but I was just hoping that I would be one of the 10% that get better.  Most people with bipolar do what I did over and over throughout their lives.  Usually for the same reasons.   Its just hard to believe that you're ill when you're doing so well.  

Now, after 2 days back on my regular doses, I feel fantastic.  When am I going to learn? 

I think going through this time and time again, I have become a better nurse and that's a plus.  Now, if only  I could just be a better patient! I will work on that. 

Have a very happy Friday tomorrow!

It's Beautiful Women month

Did you know that it's Beautiful Women Month?

Well it is.  Here's to all the beautiful women in my life.

Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her beauty tips.

It was read at her funeral years later.

For attractive lips,

speak words of kindness....

For lovely eyes,

seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure ,

share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,

let a child run his fingers through it once a day.

For poise,

walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone...

People, even more than things, have to be restored,

renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;

never throw out anyone.

Words to live by. 

Have a happy day!

When I'm an old woman...

I read this book called, When I Am and Old Woman, I Shall Wear Purple, when I was in my 20s. Of course at that time in my life, I wasn't really thinking about being an old woman but the story was recommended to me by a close friend of my mom's. I have the poem hanging on my wall in my office right in front of my desk. I read it frequently. It says a lot about who I am now and who I want to be. It goes like this: 

When I'm an Old Woman

         I shall wear purple with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

                And I shall spend my pension on brandy

                and summer gloves and satin

                sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

         I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired

                and gobble up samples in shops and press

               alarm bells and run my stick along the public

               railings and make up for the sobriety of my youth.

         I shall go out in my slippers in the rain and

               pick the flowers in other peoples' gardens

               and learn to spit.

         I will wear terrible shirts and grow

                more fat and eat three pounds of sausages

               at a go or only bread and a pickle for

               a week. And hoard pens and pencils

               and beermats and things in boxes.

         But now we must have clothes that

               keep us dry and pay our rent and

               not swear in the street and set a

              good example for the children.

       We will have friends to dinner and

              read the papers. But maybe I ought

              to practice a little now? So people

              who know me are not too shocked

              and surprised when suddenly I am old

       and start to wear purple.

My Funny Valentine

I hope you had a romantic valentine's day. I was reminded yesterday of some of the reasons why I love Rick to be my Valentine every day. He makes me laugh daily. He brings so much joy to my life. Here are just a few of the things I heard from him this week.

We have started watching Lipstick Jungle which has Brooke Shields in it. Rick was commenting on how much Brooke has changed since she's gotten older and I said that of course she's changed, she is about our age. And he said, "You look a lot better than she does." Awwww. What a sweet and funny thing to say. It's ridiculous but sweet just the same.

He has called me his "little, hot buttered biscuit" this week. lol. Whatever that means. I'm glad he can compare me to food since I think food is his second love. lol.

Yesterday, while I was at work, he texted me and said,"Time for you to come home now, my skinny little valentine." I just had to laugh out loud at that one. I'm trying to lose weight and it means alot for him to call me his skinny valentine.

He is always saying things like that, his sense of humor is unique and so good. I love him so much and I don't think its possible to love him any more than I do. I'm a very lucky girl.

Have a happy Friday!

Movin' Out

I tried to put a link in here, but it doesn't look like it works. So I put it over on the side so you can just click over there.

We went last night to see this show. Nobody else really liked it and I was kind of so-so about it during the first act but I LOVED the second act. It was like a ballet to a Billy Joel concert. The dancers were down on stage doing their thing and the band was up above the stage playing Billy Joel songs. The guy who sang the classic Billy Joel songs was incredible! He sounded almost just like him.

The ballet was a great story of a high school kid who gets jilted by the girl he loves for another guy and then he and his best friends join the marines because he has a broken heart. His best friend is killed by gunfire and this kid, Eddie, turns to drugs in his mourning. So it goes all through the whole hitting the bottom thing. Finally, he comes out of it after a nightmare about the war and about death. He gets his act together and ends up with his best friend's widow. And everyone lives happily ever after. At least, that was my interpretation of the show. There wasn't actually any talking in the play. The only vocalization was from the guy singing.

I really loved the show. I guess I could really appreciate the talent of the dancers because of my girls being in dance when they were younger. I know how hard you have to work to be good and wow, these guys were good.

The others, Don, Leeann, and Rick, were kind of bored throughout the show. I thought after intermission that they would want to leave but we didn't and I am so glad we stayed.
There were a couple of vulgar scenes that would have been fine if there weren't 8 yr. old kids sitting right behind us. But the scenes were only about 5 minutes. So I would advise not taking your kids to see this show.

All in all, we had a wonderful time last night. As we always do when we are with our dearest friends.

Yesterday was a wonderful day. We got our new huge desks at work. Dr. Robertson agreed to hire one more staff person after he had about decided not to. I was beginning to wonder if I would be able to take my two vacations in April but I think we have come to an understanding. So I'm relieved about that.

Sienna was nominated for employee of the month. I'm so proud of her! She is at a good point in her life and I am happy for her.

We went to a scrapbook crop last night and it was so fun. We made some new friends and Leeann and I had a chance to catch up and just chat for 5 hours. It was great. I was thinking about the crop this morning and I realized that when we were asked questions by others last night, that Leeann and I answered collectively. We don't like...., we plan to...., we like...., we are going to..., Its really kind of funny. We just like to do things together. Rick calls us "LisaAnn". We met a lady who has a lot of our same interests. Her name is Shar. She's a 4th grade teacher and a Disney fanatic. We had a good time getting to know her.

And...Drum Roll please... Chanel called me this morning!! It was SO good to hear her voice. She has gotten a cell phone. She needs it to keep up with all the friends she is making. She has friends from Finland, Brazil, Italy and Canada and of course, Belgium. I knew it wouldn't take her long. It was actually kind of difficult keeping up with the conversation because she kept lapsing into French. She really picks up on languages quickly. Rick thinks she was just showing off but I don't think so. I think she is just so used to hearing French all day, it just seems more natural to her now. She does comment on how expensive it is over there. The dollar is way down over there so everything seems twice as expensive. I hope she doesn't run out of money. She plans to go to Germany this weekend for Carnival which is their Mardi Gras. She has all sorts of plans to travel all over Europe. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to live in Europe and I am so excited for her.

So that has been my weekend so far. Can't wait to see what else might happen.

Have a happy Saturday!