On our way back to Florida

We are headed back to Florida to be with my family today. My dad is still in the hospital in ICU. They have been getting him up in the chair for a couple hours each day. He still has no response on his right side and doesn't follow commands. But Mom said he reached over and grabbed his right arm the other day. I'm kind of anxious about going. It seems the stories and prognosis from the Dr vary from day to day. Here is a pic of Dad up in the chair. It makes me kind of sad to look at it because it doesn't even look like him. He looks sad and worn out.



Mom said they are going to try to take him outside on Thursday. He hasn't been out in the sunshine since January. I think it will do him some good.

It just hit me today

I'm sorry all of my posts have been so negative lately. I try to stay upbeat and optimistic in public. This blog is really the only way I have to vent right now because I'm trying to keep a smile on my face elsewhere.

My dad really isn't doing much better. Mom says sometimes it seems like he is trying to communicate. He will squeeze her hand some. But most of the time, he looks sad and just out of it. Still no movement on his right side. His pneumonia is back. He was aspirating his feeding liquids. Somehow.

So, being the psych nurse I am, I am very concerned about Dad getting depressed. People with Open heart surgery as well as people who have suffered strokes have a very high probability of getting depressed. So I asked mom to talk to his Dr about going ahead and getting him started on an antidepressant. His response was, " those medicines take 4-6 weeks to take effect and well, we just aren't going to do that. " I didn't understand it at all. Why would you not start them? With everything he's been through, of course he's going to be depressed! Why would you not start them?!

And today it hit me. They don't want to start them because they don't think he has 4-6 weeks to live. That's the only reason it could be.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take. My dad had a severe stroke this morning. He had a procedure to remove the clot. He seemed to do okay with it but he was not waking up like they thought he should and they were going to do a CT scan to see if there was another bleed somewhere.

Just the thought of my dad being helpless or impaired from the stroke is almost more than I can take. Then, my mom, who I left the other day in rough shape, finds out her precious dog was hit by a car and died. Now she is so devastated and she is irrational and is suicidal. My sister has 5 boys to raise and she can't afford to take any more time off of work. I was counting on her to kind of keep control of things but she tells me today that she just can't do it anymore. Well, I can't either. I am in Florida every weekend. I am tired. My dad is the patriarch of this family and I just feel like without him to take care of things, everyone is falling apart right before my eyes.

I have responsibilities here. Rick has been so patient but he is neglected. I had committed to helping Chanel with girl scouts and I haven't been able to. Christy will be on maternity leave before long and work needs me. My closest, dearest friend is struggling and i am helpless to help her. It's just too much. My weight is out of control because I never have time to work out. That is making me depressed as well. Been to weight watchers 3 times and I weight more now than when I started.

So, I am off to Florida tomorrow. Sienna will go with me this time . It will be nice to have the company. Sienna is a good nurturer and thats just what I need. A little nurturing.

I have to do this. Just for today I can. Just for today.